2020 In Review: Guns Akimbo

  

Daniel Radcliffe once again chooses a role bizarre enough to try and make us forget he was Harry Potter for ten years, only this time it's not as avant-garde as Swiss Army Man.

For the record, yes, Swiss Army Man is avant-garde as it features farting corpses, which are about as new wave as this era of society deserves, and Guns Akimbo features many corpses, yet not one of them releasing a flatulent.


* * * * *

Folks. Daniel Radcliffe wakes up with GUNS BOLTED TO HIS HANDS, and the movie STILL manages to be a snooze.


“I can’t face violence, not in real life.”


Be it a stab at desensitized internet culture, a satire on cyber-bullying, a meta commentary on America’s thirst for violence, or Crank for a new generation, Guns Akimbo is MANY things, but fun is not one of them.

Again, Radcliffe wakes up with guns bolted to his hands. Even as silly, mindless entertainment, the film offers nothing new or of value. With a cliched tattoo-faced villain ripped from an 80s B-movie, or a sweaty, trench coat wearing punk-babe who pumps out as many bullets as she does vulgarities, Akimbo is a gross experiment of all kinds of other movies.

Howden waits until the last half hour to let these characters have any sort of fun, what with Street Fighter looking villains carrying cartoon-sized ammo, and a warehouse of biker-ninja henchmen being gunned down in a warehouse, but by that point the enthusiasm feels like scraps being thrown to a hungry dog.

GIVE THIS DOG SOME NUTRIENTS, GODDAMMIT

The only person putting in any form of worthwhile effort is Samara Weaving as Nix. Her character may just be another trope but at least she seems to be having a good time. She gets plenty of “badass bitch” moments, and a decent needle drop to boot. Aside from her, the whole thing will just leave folks desperate for the hellish and hilarious chaos of something like Jason Statham in Crank.

In fact, just watch Crank again.
Or Shoot ‘Em Up
Or Face/Off
Or Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day
Hell, even Free Fire

Ya know what? Just watch something else.
Anything else.
Let’s bring it full circle.
Swiss Army Man.
God I love Swiss Army Man.


*5 points to Samara Weaving


Grade: D-

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