Annual: The Films of 2018 - Part I

*PROLOGUE*

Happy 2019, folks. 

  Anyone who knows me knows that I live and breathe movies, so as I word-vomit the following irrelevant opinions, get ready to roll your eyes at the engorged wanking of A24 Films (as well as many other no-name indie flicks), the hipster rebellion against the mainstream, and the ungodly mutilation of the year's abominations, be them box office abortions or steaming piles of cow dung dressed up in foreign black & white aroma masquerading as critical darlings.

  So while the new year is about to give birth, let's unwind and look back at 2018; a bizarre year that started off limp, was brought to life by a Black Panther, that sneaked by A Quiet Place of Hereditary in order to pass Eighth Grade, to declare that A Star Is Born, so that a First Man and his Widows could make it through the Burning Mid90s all the way to Colonia Roma; At Eternity's Gate, to choose The Favourite. I didn't have lots of faith in 2018 when it began, but it ended with a season that was metal AF, when a girl named Mandy showed me the way. Well. Nick Cage. We all just called her Mandy. 

  Thanks to the short lifespan of MoviePass, the scratch that is my cinematic-heroin addiction has been itched. With nearly 70 films under the belt, this marks the most movies I've ever seen in a single calendar year (SO nice to be able to spend good quality time getting out socializing and being fit and active!)

Also, thanks to Letterboxd I finally found a healthy outlet for my unhealthy lifestyle of barfing movie opinions (because Lord knows I don't write enough already):

CHEERS, BITCHES

 *END OF PROLOGUE*

The Rules:
As with every year, just like Whose Line, everything is made up and the points don't matter. 

As always, I rank entirely based on critical grading system vs. personal affection. 

THE GRADES DO NOT IMPACT THE RANKING.

The Bottom Line:

For s's and g's, if you just want the gist of the review without actually going into a catatonic state of reading, just stick to the Bottom Line intros.

Let's dive into this madness...

Missed Out:

(Unironically)

• Beast
• Won't You Be My Neighbor?
• Mission Impossible: Fallout
• Skate Kitchen
• We The Animals
• The Tale
• Searching
• Support The Girls
• The Sisters Brothers
• Night Comes For Us
• The Old Man and the Gun
• Minding The Gap
• Thunder Road
• Bad Times at The El Royale
• Wildlife
• Boy Erased
• Bohemian Rahpsody
• The Other Side of The Wind
• Prospect
• If Beale Street Could Talk
• Vox Lux
• Anna and the Apocalypse
• The Mule
• Destroyer

*A FINAL WORD OF CAUTION: 

Since this is the bottom of the barrel this is without hesitation the absolute meanest I'll get throughout these lists so please enjoy the hatred while it lasts and please excuse all foul language, belligerent behavior and utter sarcasm.

Thank you all for your time.

LET'S START THE SHOW

EVERYTHING I'VE SEEN IN 2018

#67 - 51

#67. Like Me (2018 US Release)

The Bottom Line: A real "woke" piece of shit

(Also: Another friendly reminder that the internet is going to kill us all.)

80 minutes of your life could be spent watching this movie. 80 minutes could be better spent dragging your nut sack across a hot blacktop of broken glass. At least one would make for a memorable occasion. With trailer-tagged reviews like "It's f**king great" and "The most unpredictably wonderful movie-going experience" it's easy to get duped into watching a movie like Like Me. Writer-director Robert Mockler really goes out of his way to mock viewers that we are living in an age that's so desensitized by all the media we absorb ourselves in 24/7, that we're supposed to feel disturbed by the film's constant attempts at pushing subliminal imagery; by boiling viewers in repeated sequences of unnaturally close-up shots of people's open mouths as they chew on junk food while it turns to mush; scenes cut quickly and staged to loud, static noise; sequences designed to push the audience's physical limits with "shocking" gross-out visuals. All this is gross of course, but it's by no means ever once clever or poignant. For this day and age of the internet, sure it contains a poignant moral and message that's geared towards today's youth, especially with social media creating a world where everyone's trying to create a platform to have a name for themselves, to gain popularity, but next to nothing about Like Me is ever likable. 

It's the antithesis to Eighth Grade.

Grade: F

  

** Most unimaginably terrible: 

#66. The Predator

The Bottom Line: Makes Alien vs. Predator look like Citizen Kane

Shane Black + hard R Predator movie = should-be slam dunk, right?

Yeah, THIS WAS MY FACE THE ENTIRE TIME WATCHING THIS MOVIE

Schwarzenegger turned down a cameo for this film because he didn’t like the script... A CAMEO. And yet, Schwarzenegger played a MAJOR SUPPORTING ROLE in Terminator Genisys... GENISIS THAT’S SPELLED LIKE GENISYS. IF THAT SHIT DOESN’T SPEAK VOLUMES FOR HOW MUCH OF AN INBRED BUTT-F**KERY OF A MOVIE THIS IS...

  For the books, The Predator isn’t only the worst of all the Predator movies, it’s also a disgrace to fans of the franchise and an insult to the intelligence of moviegoing audiences worldwide. Predator movies have never exactly aimed for being incredibly intelligent, rather than doubling down on excellent suspense, exploring moments of gloriously violent action, and of course hiding the monster enough that when it does appear it should be absolutely terrifying. These points are what makes the original a classic, and they’re used effectively in all three prior Predator movies in some form or another, while The Predator on the other hand is almost an entire retreat from formula, and the end result nearly goes full retard.

Sweet baby Jesus, I didn’t even have high expectations for this movie and it STILL made me want to take up smoking. 

READ THE FULL RANT HERE

-10 points to SHAME BLACK

Grade: F

** Best attempt at trying to clean up franchise continuity  (and making things 10 times worse):

#65. The Cloverfield Paradox

Imagine you have an old friend. 

Many years later you meet that friend’s cousin and they’re even cooler than the initial friend. 

Now imagine that those two friends share a drunk, inbred uncle who appears from the bushes one night after the Super Bowl and starts rambling about how he’s the illegitimate father of both of these friends, and he butt-f**ks all the family members.

You’ve just experienced the Cloverfield trilogy.

READ THE FULL RANT HERE

+10 points to John Goodman in that other movie in this franchise

Grade: F+

** Best black & white cinematography, that isn't Roma:

#64. November (2018 US Release)

The Bottom Line: A BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF TRIPE

When I saw that ambiguous, black & white preview for November I was like, "Oh shit, a beautifully shot, weird-ass foreign folk tale?" Sick, right? NOPE.

With traces of Ingmar Bergman peppered with a little Terry Gilliam and a splash of David Lynch, Rainer Sarnet's November is entirely misleading because it's no-joke one of the most beautifully shot films I've seen in MY LIFE, and it dabbles with being plain old weird as hell. Simultaneously it’s also one of the most insufferably pretentious films to come out in recent memory. The end result of this hot, beautiful garbage is endlessly insulting to the viewer because it constantly creates potential to delve into the weird-AF folklore of it all, while telling the poetic tales it masquerades itself of doing, and not a single aspect works. The plague may show up in the form of a farm animal, and the devil himself might appear as a sloppy bum who lives in the woods, but the pretentious poetry the film puts on is nothing more than a filthy ruse.

This ain't your daddy's Pied Piper here.

READ THE FULL RANT HERE

*50 points for cinematography

Grade: D-

** The bullet that cracked A24's armor:

#63. Slice

The Bottom Line: An Abortion to all things Horror, Comedy and Zazie Beetz

AKA: WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F**K IS THIS MOVIE

  Folks might recall 90s cult favorite teen-horror-comedy Idle Hands; a film starring Macaulay Culkin that's more akin to Tommy Wiseau's The Room than that of The Evil Dead, truly rewarding its bizarre following, where a movie like Slice screams similar cult-favored stoner potential but with not a single memorable thing about it beyond the sales pitch. On the one hand, I truly can't knock first time writer-director Austin Vasely (Chance the Rapper's music videographer) for at least ATTEMPTING to make a piece of schlock as trashy as Slice desires to be, because never once does he try to make a "good" movie here, albeit he should have at LEAST hired a somewhat professional screenwriter to help poke some good fun at the ridiculous nature of the film. This thing is a black hole of wasted potential. How a trashy, slasher B movie (with supernatural elements thrown in because, why not) is as lifeless as the attempts Vesely makes at creating any coherent form of horror or comedy, even on a self aware level, is beyond any logical reason. The ONLY thing this movie has going for it is an at-times killer soundtrack. But a killer soundtrack is expected when you've got Chance and his music-video crew behind it. Almost everything else is trash. But goddamn, Zazie makes even the trash smell fresh.

READ THE FULL RANT HERE

*20 points to Beetz

*5 points to Chance

Grade: F+

** Most attractive person with the worst accent, in a film:

#62. Red Sparrow

The Bottom Line: J.Law Bares It All - Tits, Sex and a Russian Accent 
(And only one of these aspects is plausible)

[Also, if you didn't know, Russians are like super serious & dangerous]

Red Sparrow is a respectable film if only because it truly FEELS like a spy movie. Secretive agents disguise themselves, go undercover, steal this, kill that, and for the first time in recent memory they don't bombard the audience with ridiculous action scenes. If you're expecting Atomic Blonde, you're poorly mistaken. This is a slow-burn thriller filled with all kinds of twists and turns and to that and only that degree, the film is respectable. That said, the film is insufferable, riddled with silly cliches and asinine plot devices. To be clear, if you already detest Jennifer Lawrence you will despise this movie. Phony Russian accent aside, her performance here is both over dramatic and underwhelming. It was only going to be a matter of time before Lawrence felt adult enough to go full blown nude and with a film like Sparrow, at the very least it doesn't feel as forced as it could be. 

On second thought, the MULTIPLE attempts characters make to rape and abuse Lawrence's character leads me to believe that the Russians are in need of some serious family counseling. 

READ THE FULL RANT HERE

*10 points to the frustratingly gorgeous cinematography
*20 points to J.Law - She may have plummeted today, but at least she's still smokin

Grade: D

#61. The Endless (2018 US Release)

The Bottom Line: Like a lost Syfy channel original movie 

(Also, it’s FAR too ambiguous)

  Imagine someone pitched LOST except not as a stretched out TV series with a blockbuster budget, but a small indie flick with an equal amount of questionably ambitious mysteries completely held back by student film quality and acting that's comparable to mayonnaise. 

The Endless, on paper is perhaps one of the most ambitious films of the year. The concept simply starts out following two brothers who return to a cult they once left and the plot unravels down a dark rabbit hole of bizarre sci-fi mystery. The problem is that there’s no rhyme or reason to any of the mind f**kery happening  during this movie. There’s exactly one explanation as to what “The Endless” actually is and while it’s an intriguingly dark concept; while the morals about breaking endless routines are all too obvious, there’s still too much shit being thrown at the wall in order to see what sticks. Which is a shame because Justin Benson and Aaron Moorhead clearly have something special with their concept. They tease astronomically huge ideas but they need to tone that shit down until they can pay for a believable story.

READ THE FULL RANT HERE

-10 points to big ideas held back by low budgets

+10 points to LOST

-5 points to the smoke monster

Grade: D

#60. The Hate U Give

The Bottom Line: THUGLIFE REASONS Y

AKA: American History X-PG

(Ya know, IT’S FOR THE KIDS!)

Being a powerful young adult novel is one thing, especially in wake of the Black Lives Matter movement, but as a film the screenplay for The Hate U Give is just bad, straight up (at least from an adult perspective).

  With an overbearing narration filled with quips and one-liners about the importance of race, the film is constantly telling the audience how to feel rather than letting them feel for themselves. All thematic issues of radical relevance in regards to people of color struggling against police brutality aside, the cringey dialogue and wooden acting demotes what should be a movement-movie to feeling like a Disney Channel Original Movie at BEST. It's like Boyz N The Hood for tots. If George Tillman Jr. was aiming for a teen-targeted piece that tackles its sensitive issues by spouting out endless cliches on the importance of the subject matter, then to that degree T.H.U.G. works just fine, but it also feels like the audience is being cheated of earning real, raw, emotions rather than being literally told how to feel by our protagonist.

Think Netflix teen soap opera 13 Reasons Why, but swap the suicide for racism; replace the rape with murder. That’s what you’re in for with this movie. What I’m trying to say is, the film is super important, but I’m just being an asshole.

READ THE FULL RANT HERE

-1,000 points to me for being a grouchy old white man

+10 points to Boyz N The Hood

Grade: D

#59. Tag

The Bottom Line: Comedy Is Dead - Case #4376: Tag

Tag isn’t simply a “terrible movie,” it’s just another entry in the void that is the humorless genre of what’s calling itself comedy. The movie’s existence proves the entire point that comedy is dead, and Tag is one of the BETTER of the shitty comedies! 

  The crammed cast of R-rated shenanigans will remind audiences of 2011’s Horrible Bosses, but where that film brilliantly juggled three relatable bone heads vs. three despicably hilarious villains, Tag pins four dudes who are basically the same person vs. Jeremy Renner, who’s basically just playing his comic book character. As an “ensemble piece,” this movie truly belongs to no one. Even when Hannibal Buress singlehandedly steals every scene he's in. The fact that the post-credits footage of the real-life friends playing tag is better than the entire movie itself is really telling. Maybe it’s just me but there’s something about seeing grown-ass men in their 50s running around shopping malls, disguised as old ladies with walkers, jumping out and tackling their friends, that’s truly heartwarming. 

HERE'S THE LENGTHY SHIT

*10 points to grown-ass adults who still know how to have some damn fun in this miserable world - You people give me hope

*5 points to Hannibal

Grade: D

** Most disappointing Star Wars movie since Attack of The Clones:

#58. Solo: A Star Wars Story

The Bottom Line: Donald Glover carries what is perhaps the worst of all ten live-action Star Wars movies

Look.

The special effects were top notch, the attention to detail was astounding, the callbacks to the original trilogy were clever, and Glover was EXCELLENT as expected. 
But as a life-long Warsy...

It is humanly impossible to suspend disbelief in Alden being Harry Ford, and the plot is strung together by formulaic scenes that connect for no rhyme or reason. 

There is not a single thing to be emotionally invested in.

There is literally no reason for this movie to exist.

Glover saved this movie solo.

PUNS INTENDED.

*100 POINTS TO GLOVER

HERE'S THE FANBOY RANT

Grade: D+

#57. Madeline's Madeline

The Bottom Line: The cinematic event theater kids and cat people have been waiting for their entire lives

(No disrespect)

There's most definitely an ambitious theater-kid attitude that Madeline proudly wears on the sleeve both as a character and as a film. If you resonate with a sixteen-year-old gal struggling with mental health, mommy issues, and the pressure to fit in to the crushing weight of society, Madeline will easily be something of a special film. The film ALSO traps itself entirely in the mind of the Madeline character as MANY scenes display ongoing stage performances, photo shoots and expressionism through means of interpretive dance, and it goes on for a couple of minutes at a time. Not there's not exactly NO plot, but there's not much beyond a bunch of theater kids acting like farm animals on stage. And listen, that's great fun and all, but when the film isn't exploring Madeline's estranged relationships with her mother or teacher, the endless theater sequences tend to drag like a horse that died and got reincarnated by theater kids pretending be horses.

  Don't miss the significance here. Out there is gonna be SOME young theater kid who's gonna resonate hard AF with this film, and so it shall remain sacred for those folks, and does NOT deserve to be knocked by cynical old bastards.

LONG LIVE THE CHILDREN

+10 to Helena Howard

Grade: C

#56. Izzy Gets The F*ck Across Town (2018 US Release)

The Bottom Line: Mackenzie Davis Gets The F*ck Across An Incoherent Script

Izzy is the kinda movie you want to love so badly that the end result’s muddling plot-hopping makes the whole thing that much more sour. There’s a still beating heart to this flick that has the spirit of a punk-indie festival-runner; a film that’s sweet, rebellious, profane and ultimately good natured, which is a shame that nearly all the film's tires are flat. With a lovable cast and potential for good humor, this is a movie that aims for cult classic but lands on predictable fluff with a frustrating ending. Izzy wears her heart on her sleeve and Mackenzie Davis acts the hell out of her character. The way Davis commits to the role, going above and beyond all physical and emotional obstacles is astronomical and beautiful, cementing herself as absolutely one of the most notable young actresses working today. Davis’s performance alone is the only buoy that keeps Izzy’s reckless journey afloat.

There’s also the show-stealing Alia Shawkat. 

And there’s ALWAYS room for more Alia Shawkat

HERE'S THE WHOLE ROAD TRIP

+5 points to Maeby

+10 points to Mackenzie

Grade: D-

** Second best black & white cinematography, that isn't Roma:

#55. Cold War

The Bottom Line: A goddamned gorgeous headache

  BEAUTIFULLY shot don’t get me wrong; Those soft black and white tones over the lush locations spanning various countries, set to the span of more than a decade during the years of the Cold War, I mean. My God, the visual pallet alone, shit this is WHY we go to the cinema. But sweet Lord, everything else is a f**king drag, no disrespect to the folks who take to it.

  I love the ideas behind Cold War more than the film itself. There’s this tragically poetic notion behind the idea of “love” creating an eternal bond regardless of the forces of the universe (time) doing all in its power to keep two individuals from being together. It’s definitely a beautifully powerful concept, and there are small traces of that bond captured in writer-director Pawl Pawlikowski’s Polish romance, but there’s no legitimate drive behind any of the film’s desired passion. There’s always a congruent conflict where obstacle X is always in the way of the relationship of the two leads, and yet time and again they keep reuniting to announce their love for one another. Rinse. Repeat. End of film. It’s not to say the film is bad, but it’s kind of just there. Also. Not for nothing, but time jumps and many actual scenes are broken up between LOTS of singing and music. No disrespect, there’s a lot of craft that went into the performances but hot damn, much of Cold War feels like an insufferable opera.

HERE'S THE WHOLE OPERA

+50 points to beautiful black & white cinematography

-25 points to blasé romance

-100 points to my grouchy ass 

Grade: C

**Most likely to trick audiences into thinking this is Eddie Redmayne:

#54. Midnighters

The Bottom Line: That isn't Eddie Redmayne.

AKA: A Hitchcockian Web of Thrilling Deceit

(That’s Almost Instantly Forgettable)

On the one hand, you gotta give credit to director Julius Ramsay for stitching together a nifty little crime thriller that’s pretty much lifted from Hitchcock’s line of work; a simplistic story about a married couple who hit a man with their car, which is connected to a bag of money, which is connected to a dirty detective, who’s connected to the sister, and yada yada yada, murder, lies, betrayal, etc. The problem with a movie as clever as 'Midnighters' is that it’s assembled from parts based on all kinds of movies we’ve seen before. Hitchcock is obviously a huge influence, which is cute and all in 2018, but even when the audience doesn’t know what twist is coming next, we can’t help but roll our eyes at the nauseatingly familiar outcome. On top of that, the four main actors are not dedicated at all and it feels like they’ve been pulled from The Twilight Zone. They all have these weird vibes like they’re knockoffs of other bigger actors, but acting as if they’re in a Lifetime TV movie. If you get that odd feeling like you’re watching the Walmart-brand version of Casey Affleck or Eddie Redmayne, you can rest at ease; You’re not having a stroke.

  Mad props to the blood and the thrills though. There’s ALMOST a pretty good movie here.

-5 to bootleg actors

+5 to old school thrills

Grade: C-

**Best use of Dick Van Dyke this century:

#53. Mary Poppins Returns

The Bottom Line: Us young folk be out here talkin being tired all the damn time, and Dick Van Dyke just ROLLS UP pushing ONE HUNDRED YEARS OLD, f**kin TAP DANCING on tables like he’s in the goddamn RINGLING BROTHERS. 
Age is a ruse. This man is a national treasure.

  As far as elongated sequels go, MPR does what Creed and The Force Awakens did so well in 2015 by building on the bone structure of an original film 40+ years ago, and calls itself a sequel while essentially acting as a soft reboot, and for a new dandy Poppins se-boot of all things, it’s not entirely shabby. I mean, first of all they got one of the two brothers who wrote the original music to come back to help score the film, by cleverly using the original Poppins soundtrack as background music. To boot, Lin Manuel sings and swings around a light post as promised and doesn’t do so by hogging the spotlight the way you’d expect. He’s in fact quite charming, even if he is all but the same character as Burt (though he’ll never measure up to the immortal power of Dick van Dyke).

  As for those new musical numbers, there isn’t quite a spoonful of medicine, and much like Step In Time, the chimney sweepers once again have the best song.

*Checks notes*

I think they're torch-lighters, not chimney sweepers.

Whatever.

If nothing else, the movie features a healthy Dick Van Dyke, who at this point is probably going to outlive us all.

HERE'S THE FULL SPOON OF SUGAR

+10 points to Blunt

+infinite points to DVD

Grade: C+

**Best redemption for ROCKY IV:

#52. Creed II

The Bottom Line: ROCKY IV.2 
(DRÁGO HARDER)

Creed II borrows even more elements from the Rocky franchise to delve deeper into the Apollo Creed legacy, which results in a follow-up film that was not needed but by actually fleshing out its characters is warmly welcomed, despite its flat-line pacing.

  While B. Jordan is still excellent, Tessa Thompson still a babe, and Stallone sounding ever more like he’s overcoming a stroke, the biggest blow to the sequel by far is the lack of Coogler returning to the director's chair. Coming fresh off family TV dramas is *checks notes* Steven Caple Jr. stepping into the Black Panther sized shoes Ryan left behind, and while he's clearly got some visual style Caple Jr. trades Coogler’s cinematic ambition for what often feels like an episodic melodrama. If there's one bold direction Caple Jr. takes it's within the corners of the Drago family. The entire reasoning behind a necessary Creed sequel lies within this story line connected to Rocky IV, and by adding even deeper roots to the Drago-Creed-Balboa bloodline not only makes for a much stronger history, but it humanizes the villains. With legitimately fleshed out feuds between bad blood, we sympathize with the bad guys, but we also fight for Adonis to claim his family name even more so now than in 2015. Very tender stuff here, folks.

HERE'S THE WHOLE PUNCH

*10 points to Michael B. Jordan - Dude's definitely not in the same weight class as Drago Jr. but he's still shredded AF. He's also charming and impossible to dislike.

Grade: C+

**Most Unrecognizable remake of The Wrestler:

#51. The Rider

The Bottom Line: A Beautifully Shot, Poetically Melancholic Snoozefest

Math Problem:

 Two films The Rider and The Wrestler both portray a stubborn protagonist - One protagonist is Mickey Rourke -  The other is NOT Mickey Rourke.

  Both protagonists live with passion for sport (x), whose health is fractured by incident (y). Said protagonists are surrounded by loved ones who tell them to give up (x) or the next (y) will end up severely injuring or killing them. Protagonists experience trials and tribulations, both fighting their battles be it their own physical health as well as their own painful addictions to the deadly sport.

  Q: Which of these is the better film?

  Yes, the film contains gorgeous cinematography and wears its bold, indie, film-made heart on its sleeve; it features real-life rodeo riders; raw, human people playing characters rather than relying on big Hollywood stars; it’s realistic, and it's got a hell of amount of heart. Absolutely. 

It also gets super personal and incredibly touchy with its sensitive subject matter; We feel for characters and the repercussions that their love of dangerous sport has on people’s lives. The film is literally designed to make people feel, and to a degree it works to an astounding level.

But we've also seen all these themes done so in The Wrestler.

THAT SAID:

+10 points to Chloé Zhao

Her direction is immaculate. We need more women filmmakers who aren’t afraid to be bold with their material, even if I didn’t dig it personally.

Grade: C

 #50-41 -