THE WALKING DREAD

The Walking Dead Is Finally Dead.

There could still be some life in there

(but probably not)


* * * * *

EIGHT YEARS TO THE DAY AND WE'VE FINALLY DIED

Yes folks, it's true; it's finally happened, and it only took NINE goddamn seasons and Rick Grimes himself, star Andrew Lincoln to take a hike for the nail to seal the coffin. The once beloved AMC smash hit zombie apocalypse TV saga has taken its last breath; it was a LONG, slow and painful death, and it took about three years too long.

  And before you start with the "If you don't like it, don't watch it" nonsense, PLEASE take your ignorance elsewhere and make note that for the first few years, TWD was a show that I defended like it were my first born. Even when the Governor showed up in season three and they were definitely milking him for ALL he was worth; even as far back as season two, when that elongated search for Sophia ran a WEE bit too long, I stood by thick and thin because this silly zombie show always roped me back in year after year. 

And now, I've finally tapped out.

 I literally cannot do it anymore.

  Let's be honest, folks. The show has slowly plummeted and evolved into an absolute pile of flaming dog shit and equating it to anything more would just be disrespectful. This is a show that has not legitimately held any redeeming qualities in more than three seasons (at least); a show which, while containing excellent moments, has deviated as a whole so far and wide beyond anything that ever made it exciting to watch in the first place that it is almost unrecognizable; a show that has given the word "formulaic" entirely new meaning, albeit it also STILL happens to be one of the most watched shows on cable.

  If you read between the lines, TWD is still pulling in (most of) the numbers, not due to legitimate quality in any way, shape or form, but rather in its manipulative ability to rope blind folks back in season premiere after season finale; mid-season premiere after mid-season finale, and it's literally all because Robert Kirkman and Scott Gimple so cleverly trick their audiences into waiting for the results of their shitty soap-operatic cliffhangers. Most of said shitty cliff-hangers began with show-runners teasing the death of a major character a few years back, which fans would have to wait nearly half a year to see the reveal; a gimmick which was not only a matter of lazy writing, but straight up deceiving on behalf of the fans who stuck by these once very developed characters.

  After limping to a decent finish in season six (where all the problems began), it was the gory, torture-porn fiasco that was the season seven premiere which was the  final straw for me (and many viewers at that); a silly, stretched out and unnecessarily brutal premiere that drew in record-breaking numbers. 

  From there it only got SO much worse. 

  With Negan, we marched on to a droll, two-season arc of an "all out war" which never came (because as "the war" with The Governor proved in season three, the war never actually comes), but HEY, as long as Kirkman will make you THINK the war is coming, the show  will show no signs of stopping or slowing down any time soon. And even though 2016's season-seven premiere pulled in record-breaking numbers due to mere fan manipulation; to use a "big reveal" as a gimmick, it STILL doesn't change the fact that any actually redeeming qualities The Walking Dead ever once gave bite to have taken their final toll, and it was indeed not just that controversial season premiere, but literally EVERY episode since then which has felt like the equivalent of dragging a heavy, unrecognizable burning corpse. It has become a CHORE to watch and I'm going to dive exactly WHY I'm so taken aback by its undying popularity.

 For one, unlike the ignorant naysayers who have written the show off from the beginning, I feel my disappointment has some gravity to it because at the end of the day, I honestly, truly believe in my heart of hearts that this used to be a show of class...

LOOK HOW MUCH I ONCE LOVED THIS SHOW.

 Yes, this show once had class... Real brain-eating, flesh loving, gory, horror fueled class... but it had class because it was such a rare hybrid that was able to fuse that horror-quality zombie violence with legitimate character development; a feat that has been achieved by almost no other piece of media to feature creatures of the undead. While many zombie flicks either need to be campy or laugh-out-loud funny in order to be legitimized in any way, TWD achieved the rare goal of giving its audience zombies in a believably dramatic fashion; in a way they were familiar with but also in a way that made us believe it was real and raw and there was a time where it was insanely believable.

  Everything about the show simply worked; the characters felt like people we knew; the gore was unbelievably realistic; The scenery was dark and gritty and the show slowly began chugging along as we got to know the Atlanta survivors and each of their personal stories.

  It was a change of pace for television. Horror had become mainstream. Zombies had become "a thing," whether we wanted it or not. Suddenly, the majority of avid TV watchers fantasized about the zombie apocalypse, day dreaming of where they'd camp out; what weapons they'd use; how they'd scavenge for food and resources. It was a weird, fun time to be alive and for a small burning flame of time, The Walking Dead took over the planet; hell it's STILL taking over the planet, so much so that we have conventions, fan fiction, a silly hour-long talk show after each new episode, and a crappy, obligatory spin-off show. TWD isn't just a popular TV show; it's a cultural phenomenon. And it's so insanely culturally relevant that many people seem to have blindly forgotten what made it so good in the first place, and I think it's because it truly WAS so good in the beginning, that seeing the ugly undead monster the show has become today is what drives people like myself utterly insane; to rant about it, regardless of how irrelevant their words are.

  At the end of the day, when I refer to "when the show was good," I'm honestly, truthfully, from the bottom of my heart, only referring to the first season and I'd be in denial to give credit to any full season beyond it (although later seasons would feature compelling moments and some outstanding standalone episodes).

THE GOOD OL' DAYS

 Forget the fact that brilliant director Frank Darabondt (Shawshank Redemption) exited the show due to creative differences (one can literally only dream about what the show would look like if he were still in the driver's seat), but those first six episodes were quite literally the only episodes to truly capture a small bulk of what the zombie apocalypse truly felt like in the short span of a small but powerfully effective season. 

  Perhaps it was the lack of the fantasized "safe community" setting that would be seen season after season (a bullshit trend that would begin as soon as season two), but those first six episodes had it all; it kept our characters constantly on edge; the paranoia of a legitimate zombie threat always lurking, and sure, the characters were eventually going to learn how to fight back and find their safe havens, but that first season captured the grittiness of the zombie apocalypse in ways that always felt intense, pulse-pounding and insanely desirable at every given moment, even during the insufferable Rick-Lori-Shane triangle. It was gory; it was good. 

  Even now, there haven't been many moments that top Rick and Glenn walking through the streets of Atlanta covered in Walker guts. There was a dark and oddly fun charisma during those first six episodes that I never saw again after that first season.

  Perhaps that's what has me so disappointed in what's transpired over the eight seasons since, whether it be spending half a season looking for Sophia, a season and a half exploring why the Governor's a dick (and why we're supposed to have any sympathy for his backstory), why EVERY character arc in the Alexandria story line is downright nauseating from all the abysmal townies to Rick's confusing relationship with an abused wife who has an unbelievably obnoxious son; even down all the tedious garbage that followed; the Kingdom and Ezekiel, Jesus and the saviors vs. Negan and his cartoonish henchmen; Dear Lord, some of it is straight up ABYSMAL.

"ALL OUT WAR" MY ASS

BOTTOM LINE: the show is simply  not fun to watch anymore.

  Over time, it has spawned an unrealistic amount of droll, formulaic story arcs that have not only left the show fairly predictable, but have somehow equated zombie violence to nothing more than a boring weekly formula:

Walkers around the corner! 
Knife them all in the head! 
Main characters don't die!" 
*Rinse, repeat*

 And then when main characters DO die, it's so f**king milked, it feels overly dramatic and far too played out to even become invested in their demise.

  It's actually gotten to a point where TWD has committed the unforgivable act of simply allowing folks to not care anymore, making even the older, more classic episodes seem droll. There's no tension; There are ZERO stakes. Even when zombie herds storm the gates and eat the necks out of helpless residents of Alexandria, The Kingdom, or any silly safe haven, you can't help but sip your haterade and roll your eyes because hey, we've LITERALLY seen it all before.

  Even when previous seasons began to pick up the pace towards the end of the year it was often difficult to buy into because the writers were relying more on gimmicks and stupid surprises rather than genuine, GOOD storytelling. And the worst part about all of it is that there are very faint glimpses of the show that once was; the show that, if given into its full potential, could actually BE one of the best shows on television and have the proof to back it up, but then they go and have characters making unbelievably asinine decisions for literally no other reason than to advance the plot forward.

Let us evaluate where the issues truly began:

SEASON 6:

(The problems arguably became evident with this stupid scene alone)

  Season six was when the show first started really focusing on non-Atlanta survivors; characters who would take up the spotlight for multiple episodes at a time, taking away the focus from Rick, Daryl and the gang (ya know, the good characters); tropes that would literally smother and feast on the majority of the show's run time. And they weren't just not-good characters; they were insufferable. 

  In fact, I can pinpoint the exact moment of sheer disbelief; pure shock at how awful the show was flaunting itself in a singular scene. It's not Glenn's fake dumpster-dive-death; not the dragged out tension leading up to the finale;

  On second thought, while we're on season six, I'm not gonna break to talk about that time when the gang had to quietly walk through herds of walkers covered in guts (ironically trying to rekindle the old spark no doubt), and little Billy (whatever the hell his name is) sees a zombie child that looks like him and thus starts to cry and then gets eaten for it (little bastard deserved it); 

  I'm NOT gonna talk about how his hot mom (whatever the hell her name is) starts crying because her son gets eaten, and then SHE gets eaten in the process (I wish I was making this up)...

 OR when Rick starts having instant flashbacks of their "beautifully written" relationship while he has to hack her arm off because her death-grip is still hanging on to Carl...

  And I'm CERTAINLY not gonna touch on the shark-jump-worthy moment when hot mom's older son shoots Carl's eye out just before receiving the sword-death from Michonne, and we as an audience are supposed to believe this ALL goes down while the characters are staying quiet, SURROUNDED by zombies, and everything is totally cool... 

  Nope. Not gonna talk about it.

  What I WILL talk about is towards the end of the sixth season, when Rick's gang decides to seek some friendly justice and storm the villainous Negan's fort and murder all of his henchmen. Even among all the action and intensity, every exciting moment; it all paled in comparison to a single episode where Carol and Maggie were held hostage in one of their makeshift prison cells. 

HELL YEAH QUALITY WRITING AND ACTING

The episode was not only one of the best of season six, but it did  what the show does best. It subjects the horror-violence needed for its genre while chipping away at and defining its characters. Just that one episode alone revealed more about two major characters (and even some of the villains) than an entire three-episode arc where Rick and the gang are out guns blazin'. It's simply frustrating to see where the show can be so, SO good and then immediately subject its audience to mediocrity and sometimes borderline stupidity.

  Let me say that no, the show wasn't mediocre due to a lack of the action (it was quite the opposite actually); those last few episodes of s6 really honed in on the gun fire; LOTS of murder, blood, vengeance, yada yada yada; it was great. The PROBLEM with all that action is that it was all done in the name of ridiculous and borderline mentally handicapped reasons on behalf of the characters and even somewhat from the writers.

  We see about three-quarters of the main group (the MAJORITY of the characters we care about) go out into the wild to take revenge on Negan's group whether they're all looking for Carol in the process; Carol, who randomly decides she's "had enough" of the killing by the way; no actual explanation other than a very meta moment where she's just "done" after six years of BS (I feel you, lady), or whether it's because Negan's group has spooked a village into surrendering their food and weapons that could be used for Team Rick (not to mention the whole "standing up to bullies" thing is Rick's Achilles heel). 

  I'm getting off track here... There's a lot of stupid shit that goes down in order to build suspense to the finale.

From here, we see Negan's villainous gang (who come off like grade-school bullies by the way) put an arrow through the lesbian-doctor's eye (I'm really terrible with names, even though the new characters truly are that forgettable) just for shock value, and when they get into a scuff the head henchmen has his dick BITTEN by the fearless hero Eugene as a distraction for more gunfire to ensue (I'm not kidding). THEN amidst the guns blazing, the villains run away in the bushes snickering while Daryl has to let them go so he can tend to the hurt members of his group. I half expected the bad guys to yell "NEXT TIME, GADGET" as they ran away. 

It's f**king absurd.

  And this, folks, is only a portion of the incredibly asinine decisions the characters make for the sake of moving the plot along...

  This doesn't even cover the writing which relied HEAVILY on shocking and surprising the audience with fake-outs and gimmicks to make us believe bad things happened when they didn't simply so we could tune in next time. They commit the ultimate crime in this department by saving the biggest middle finger for last, during the big season finale.

 The writers ended up being so much more concerned with manipulating its audience into believing Glenn's dumpster death was real (by going as far as removing Steven Yuen's name from the credits) rather than giving any actual further DEPTH to Glenn's character. 

(Such a dick move.)

  This trend continued in stupendously stupid fashion when one of the evil henchman "shoots" Daryl off screen, spurting fake blood onto the screen, just before the end credits to make us believe the show would actually have the balls to off his character in such a terrible fashion (spoiler alert: they don't); And then FINALLY, as far as big "surprises" go, the show had the audacity to go as far as having the show's new big-bad Negan show up for ONE scene just to kill-off one of the show's characters, and then NOT reveal who the victim was, making the audience wait until the following season; half a year later, to see who got the axe (or the bat in this case). 

  It all feels like a f**king video game and we the viewers are constantly running out of quarters to gain more extra lives, and it's cruel, and insulting.

  That being said, there are some lights at the end of the tunnel; let me get all the bad out of the way first (as if I haven't treated this show worse than Negan treated Glenn). 

SEASON 7:

While we're on the topic of Negan and Glenn, I'm going to make two points that I realized when watching the S7 premiere.

  One: the show simply went too far with the violence, and here's why. TWD has always shared a heavy dose of gore, there's no denying that. And with that gore was going to come deaths of beloved characters to pull on our heart strings; ya know, to make the gore really worthwhile. But TWD has never been ABOUT the gore; never focused on the controversial level of blood and guts. The plan was never to see just how far Kirkman could take us before we begin to feel nauseous; The gore was always a bonus, but THIS... this took the whole show to a new level. And I GET that that's kinda the point; "Season seven; Let's start with a bang! People think the show's boring? THINK AGAIN" 

  Believe me, I understand the show wanted to do a game changer with that season premiere but there is a BOLD line between using the gore as a means to accent the brutality of a scene vs. using the gore as nothing but pure exploitation; a crutch to push audiences to a level of disgust; a means to get people talking... TWD crossed that line profoundly for that premiere and before anyone tries to say "Well it happened exactly that way in the comics," the show has A) deviated enough from the comics as to not literally take from the pages and B) been the better show by having the audience develop the harsh feelings without subjecting their eyes open to it forcefully, like they're part of A Clockwork Orange.

  Thanks to horror movies, I am unbelievably desensitized to most things horror that the media throws at me, but this was simply unnecessary. If the show hadn't showed the mere seconds of the gruesome imagery they showed, I'd be more focused on the actual deaths of the characters; I'd use my imagination to feel the weight of those characters getting the axe bat, but instead of feeling grief, I feel grossed out. 

  In my mind, I don't see a big loss for two of the show's heroes; all I see is Abraham's brains being bashed in and Glenn's eyeball popping out of its socket. Again, I really do understand that this is how it happened in the comics but the show has also captured moments like these without literally force-feeding the moment to me. The show has failed at making me feel an impact of these characters' deaths, especially Glenn who's been a vet since the first season. When I see Glenn I don't see the loss of backbone for the group, or the brilliant character he transformed into; I only see the eyeball, because the writers wanted to "push the envelope." Well congratulations, you folks went too far for my own good and have tainted the legacy of one of the show's oldest and more well written characters.

  And let's do everyone a favor and NOT talk about the asinine decision to make a silly fantasy-thanksgiving scene where Glenn and Abraham sit at the head of the table with the entire crew, including Glenn's unborn baby; Please. If the show has ever tried their absolute hardest to exploit a character's death for ratings, they've succeeded here with FLYING colors, and it's goddamn INSULTING.

  But before I bow out for good, I WILL stick around for one (literally hanging by a thread here) and only ONE reason (this is the second thing I realized during the premiere): 

Jeffrey f**king Dean Morgan.

(So goddamn charming.)

  Ya know, I thought I loved the man in just the few things I've seen him in but DAMN, JD Morgan sells the despicable character of Negan better than most folks could have predicted. To say the man hit it out of the park would be beyond ironic but he really stepped up to the plate with this one (really having fun with these baseball puns) and honestly, maybe it's how bored I've become with it all, but with just the small presence he's had, JDM gives The Walking Dead more life than the show's had in years.

  Granted the writers can't help but write the character the way he's written in the comics (like a cartoon fifth grade bully who just learned how to cuss for the first time), JD Morgan tends to make Negan not only believable but frightening. Kirkman and Nicotero raved about how painful the s7 premiere was to write and shoot and yeah, it was dark and characters died, yada yada yada, but I'll be damned if JDM didn't absolutely light up every single scene he was in. 

  Even when he was speaking like an inbred child, Morgan was still convincing and terrifying. Granted, Kirkman and the dirty boys used conventional writing tools to make Negan seem so unbelievably evil (as if batting two character's brains in wasn't enough, Negan attempts to make Rick chop off Carl's arm just to toy with his emotions [how precious]) and yet, even with such lazy plot mechanisms as these, it's these moments still showcased some of Andrew Lincoln's best acting on the whole show and it doesn't hurt that Rick was finally being bested by another character (as well as another actor). 

 I have not one bad thing to say about what Jeffrey Dean Morgan is doing with the role even though the writers couldn't help but drag him along like a goddamn corpse for two years, but when JDM works he truly works because let's be honest, the show has been absolutely DESPERATE for a presence like his.

SEASONS 8, 9 & BEYOND...

Tragically, ever since Negan's bloody good introduction, the show has been on a STEEP down hill down into a grave ever since, and it doesn't show signs of running out of breath any time soon. Seriously, AMC said they plan on keeping this shit alive for at least 10 more years.

TEN MORE YEARS.

Do you know how f**king suicidal that is, not just from a creative standpoint but from a network standpoint? The show has become TERRIBLE, and we've only just started the NINTH season. 

Who's gonna sit through this lifeless tripe for TWENTY SEASONS?

HAVE SOME GODDAMNED RESPECT

 The once beloved zombie hit is not simply a soap-operatic snooze-fest; it's not just routine at this point. It's absolutely insufferable... To the point where even bringing back Morgan (Lennie James) as a series regular can't save the boring-ass shenanigans.

  EVEN by killing off Carl who, let's just be honest, never properly developed beyond a whiny-ass kid, the writers couldn't wring anyone's emotions or sympathy dry. Enough is enough.
   I can't knock Chandler Riggs for at least trying to act, but Carl was an unlikable presence from the get-go. Granted, his being the hero's son made him an inevitable crutch for Rick's weakness but as the character became a teenager he became unbearable to watch.

And the thought of Rick leaving, well that's where the show will inevitably lose many faithful viewers. This was always Rick's story so without him, and without Andrew Lincoln to lead the parade, how is it possible to even care anymore?

He began on a horse.

He ended on a horse.

*yawn*

Listen... All of this? All this banter? It's just blowing off steam. I don't want to make it sound like I'm insulting the intelligence of anyone (by anyone I mean the millions and MILLIONS of viewers) who not only still watch the show, but deem it their favorite; the people who defend this show to the grave; no disrespect. Hell, some people may LIKE feeling manipulated or cheated and don't care about boring character development because all they wanna see is gore and kick-ass zombie violence; SURE. Whatever floats your boat; I am NOT  judging the audience. I'm judging the show itself because while I stated I'm not insulting the audience's intelligence, I can't help but feel like the show is KIND of insulting mine.

  And in NO WAY am I a fancy, pretentious TV-watcher either; You'll never catch me sipping my herbal tea raving about Downton Abbey's ability to elegantly sweep me off my feet in ways other shows could not (although to talk bad about DTA is a disgrace in itself); I AM the guy who normally opts for the impressively stupid violence and a heavy dose of gore and loud, dumb fun but my whole point in ALL these irrelevant words is that TWD was NEVER about that; it never went out of its way to be a big, dumb show about zombies. 

This show used to have characters; depth; real LAYERS MANNNN *hits the blunt*

  Or MAYBE I'm a crazy person. 

MAYBE... Just maybe... the show has always sucked and I've just wanted to believe it would become as good as that first mini-season of a first season hinted at. Maybe I'm delusional; in complete denial. Maybe the show is secretly the biggest piece of dog shit that's only held my attention this long because it's so clever at masquerading as something as glorious as a zombie-horror hybrid with true quality... but maybe I've been wrong this whole time. 

  Maybe calling TWD "quality" is, in and of itself, a complete lie. The edgy, sometimes beautiful cinematography; the thickets of character development and flashy visuals; you'd think this was a pretentious film student project with a Blockbuster sized budget. The whole thing acts like it wants to be a show with brains but in the end ends up being more undead than the brain-eating zombies the show relies on for ratings. Perhaps I've been living a lie for the last EIGHT YEARS. 

  Maybe none of this matters and there's no meaning to life... 

I'm done... I'm done with the show. 

Maybe I'm done with everything. 

I'm gonna go eat a sandwich. 

Paige out.

Actual footage of me wasting away writing nonsense.