The Bottom Line: Batman v. Superman
The greatest gladiator match in the history of the world? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Ya know what? I had a whole review for 10 Cloverfield Lane in the works, ready to be posted, two weeks in the making, and then it happened. I saw Batman vs. Superman last night on a totally unplanned fluke. Between the spoilerrific trailers and the godawful responses from critics, I lost any and all desire to see this film (and months ago I was DYING to see this film) but last night I saw it.
So f**k it, LET'S TALK ABOUT IT.
So f**k it, LET'S TALK ABOUT IT.
I really shouldn't have to say it but I'm still fuming, coming off this movie and I'm about to slam every inch of the stuff that matters; Not gonna hold back for this one so here it is:
SPOILER ALERT.
If you care at all about seeing this film (at ALL), stop reading now. This is your last chance...
SPOILER ALERT!!!
Alright? Shall we begin? Here we go.
FIRST OFF: F**K the critics. This movie kicks ASS,
FIRST OFF: F**K the critics. This movie kicks ASS,
Every Joe-Blow critic in America is railing on this movie like a bunch of high school bullies waiting for the daily nerd to step outside after the bell rings so they can beat the ever living sh*t out of him just because they don't like him.
First major spoiler: The film isn't NEARLY as bad as reviews are painting it out to be.
Though some critics are legitimately funny ("it's like sticking your head in a bee hive for two-and-a-half hours" one critic says), the general consensus couldn't be more wrong about how bad the movie is... To a degree that is. And with that said, I'll come clean... To a certain point, I was absolutely LOVING this movie.
Let me just cut the buildup to the buildup and get right to it. The first hour and a half of the film is great; excellent even. To be completely honest, I was digging it; all of it; even Eisenberg's goofy ADHD take on Lex. I slowly gave in. SURE, they crammed way too much in and of COURSE there was a LOT of much-desired exposition that was cut and YES, Superman STILL looks like an a**hole after the events of Man of Steel. The world supposedly loves him and yet our primary characters still hate him. In fact, for a sequel to MOS, the movie often sheds much less light on Supes than needed but then again, the spotlight is also on Batman for this one. Which brings me to my first big compliment of the new film and one of the best aspects of the whole damn thing.
BATFLECK
Ben Affleck KILLED it as Batman. If there's one saving grace in this catastrophe of a film, it's Affleck. And it makes me SO happy to see because people have been SLAMMING him since the millisecond he was cast as Bruce Wayne and honestly, Affleck not only eats up the role well enough to be the saving grace of the film but he's actually SO good that at the end of the day I'm craving for more standalone Batman movies starring Ben (an impressive feat considering The Dark Knight falls, "Robin" rises turned off most folks from wanting anymore Batman flicks for a while). Ben is absolutely excellent in the role and Jeremy Irons does next to nothing as Alfred and even he was a pleasure to watch.
The Bottom Line:
Batfleck - 1
Man of Steel - 0
While I'm on the topic of Batfleck, let me address one thing that Zack Snyder is a complete boss at: ACTION SEQUENCES.
Believe it or not, for a movie titled "Batman vs. Superman" there's not only a whole lot less of any Batman vs. any Superman (a major complaint I'll get to in a moment) but there's not much action at all (save for the last half hour; an even larger complaint [please hold your comments for the end]). With all that said, when there IS action, it is some DAMN good action and the most impressive action aspect easily comes from Ben's fight scenes, specifically the near-end sequence of the film when he takes out a warehouse of thugs before rescuing Martha Kent from inevitable doom. The fight choreography by itself makes Affleck and Snyder a power-house couple of Bat-worthy action. It's absolutely nuts and insanely impressive. I don't know if it's Snyder behind it, but the choreography in that scene alone makes for a singular better action sequence than any action sequence in ANY of Nolan's films. Which brings me to my NEXT point.
Leave him out of this.
These movies are NOT Nolan's Batman movies. Not even CLOSE. So the sooner you can drop that notion from your mind, the sooner you can enjoy this loud, messy experience of sloppy comic book gloriousness.
I'm so damn sick of everyone; literally EVERYONE comparing every comic book movie to The Dark Knight; it's The Godfather of comic book movies; it's the greatest comic book movie of all time; it's where all comic book movies peak; WE GET IT. Point is, it's a new dawn, a new day, a new life and SOMEONE's feelin' good; Someone new; someone who has absolutely NO desire to treat this like a film by Christopher Nolan and that's what people need to squeeze through their ignorant minds when they even try and compare films. It's apples and oranges. This ain't Nolan; this ain't Bale; this AIN'T the same movie at all. Leave it alone. ENOUGH SAID. Because Snyder instead treats this like a true comic book movie; it's loud, obnoxious, graphic, visual (Snyder's ALL about the visuals). It's NOT a psychological, noir-esque, Oscar worthy Nolan film; it's its own beast entirely so the SOONER you drop Nolan's Batman movies, the sooner you'll enjoy the film.
Because in the end, there is PLENTY to enjoy. For one aspect...
Gal Gadot is SMOKIN' hot as Wonder Woman and is a complete joy to watch in the role. Aside from the fact that Snyder LOVES exploiting sexuality and Gadot proves she's more than worthy of sporting skin in her slim dresses, she seems to be having a blast with the small bits she has in the film, essentially doing for BvS what Anne Hathaway did for TDKR, the only exception being that Gadot is actually appealing (simply because she's not Hathaway). Funny enough, people worried most about her and Affleck going in to the film and the two of them are actually some of the best aspects of the whole thing.
Hell yes.
Gal Gadot is SMOKIN' hot as Wonder Woman and is a complete joy to watch in the role. Aside from the fact that Snyder LOVES exploiting sexuality and Gadot proves she's more than worthy of sporting skin in her slim dresses, she seems to be having a blast with the small bits she has in the film, essentially doing for BvS what Anne Hathaway did for TDKR, the only exception being that Gadot is actually appealing (simply because she's not Hathaway). Funny enough, people worried most about her and Affleck going in to the film and the two of them are actually some of the best aspects of the whole thing.
The Bottom Line:
No woman has looked this hot in a metal swimsuit since 1983
The other actors aren't terrible as well though some could have been used better. Amy Adams is shoehorned in (and they REALLY try and make her important) and you can't help but smile at all of Laurence Fishburne's two scenes, wishing they would do more with him. But for one gaping controversial hole in the acting, as I previously said, Eisenberg's Lex Luthor is indeed annoying but not nearly at all Jar-Jar-Binks-level of destructive the way fans are saying (then again I also think fans give Binks a hard time so who am I to argue?). What Eisenberg does with the role is both respectful and goofy; goofy in the way where he's trying to be a mix between Gene Hackman's Lex and Heath Ledger's Joker and ends up closer to the Lucky Charms guy more than anyone else; respectful in the way where he at least tries to bring a different approach to the role and kinda fails. He's not excellent but he's not as terrible as people say.
The Bottom Line:
The role of Lex Luthor has yet to be topped by Smallville's Michael Rosenbaum.
Alas, let me stop wasting your time and get to the nitty gritty. At this point, we know what works. But let me divulge a bit into the REALLY crappy stuff; the kinda stuff that movie ticket refunds are almost made of... Almost. This stuff's gonna get real SPOILER heavy so again, you've all been warned...
Let's start the show!
Now let's address the elephant in the room. The first hour and a half of this film is all build up; literally all of it. Right from the opening we are presented with plausible reason for Bruce Wayne to hate Superman with a passion.
By essentially going completely against comic book lore, dirty Zack and the boys paint Supes to be a full blown terrorist and they do it in a way that hits really close to home with terrorism in our world today. Sure it's done well but it's totally out of character for Superman to be labeled a threat to national and worldwide security. Does it all work for this day and age? Absolutely. But with that, some sacrifices to Superman's character are clearly initiated and this movie strays even further from classic lore of the man in the red cape than MoS did. The question begs to be asked:
Are we at a point where gone are the days of Superman being known for the pretty boy in tights who saves cats out of trees and fools people with glasses that he's a bumbling reporter? ...it's entirely possible. In this cynical era we live in, no one can buy into Superman for his original conception anymore; the idiotic, clumsy no-name reporter who spins around in a telephone booth, changing into tights and by magically losing his glasses fools his love interest and fools the world into thinking he's a totally different identity who flies around in a red cape and saves helicopters from falling out of the sky. It's a tragic thing really, but the core aspects as to what makes Superman Superman in all his glorified dignity is completely stripped and absent from this new DC universe. SURE, Supes saves people all over the world (there's a whole montage of it and it's one of the best parts of the film) but the film is MUCH more focused on the political aspects of painting Superman a terrorist and even though I dig the storyline because it's never really been done on the big screen, I think it's safe to say that the iteration of America's golden age of campy Christopher Reeves' Superman is dead. For more reasons than one, Superman as you knew and loved him is in fact dead. More on that later.
Are we at a point where gone are the days of Superman being known for the pretty boy in tights who saves cats out of trees and fools people with glasses that he's a bumbling reporter? ...it's entirely possible. In this cynical era we live in, no one can buy into Superman for his original conception anymore; the idiotic, clumsy no-name reporter who spins around in a telephone booth, changing into tights and by magically losing his glasses fools his love interest and fools the world into thinking he's a totally different identity who flies around in a red cape and saves helicopters from falling out of the sky. It's a tragic thing really, but the core aspects as to what makes Superman Superman in all his glorified dignity is completely stripped and absent from this new DC universe. SURE, Supes saves people all over the world (there's a whole montage of it and it's one of the best parts of the film) but the film is MUCH more focused on the political aspects of painting Superman a terrorist and even though I dig the storyline because it's never really been done on the big screen, I think it's safe to say that the iteration of America's golden age of campy Christopher Reeves' Superman is dead. For more reasons than one, Superman as you knew and loved him is in fact dead. More on that later.
All it to say is, by tying in to MoS's destructive, apocalyptic climax, we have much reason to hate Superman or at least understand why Bruce hates him. Even the shoehorned story lines with the victims of Metropolis, and the guy who lost his legs amidst the rubble, feel forced but they get their point across: Superman is dangerous. So what does the movie do? They brilliantly pin Batman up against him and for the first hour or so, the movie belongs much more to Batman's than Superman. In a great sense, this is much more Ben Affleck's story than Cavill's. But AGAIN, the elephant in the room...
The Bottom Line (the real bottom line):
These fools NAMED their movie "Batman v. Superman." After ALL the hype and ALL the speculation they went for it. They made the absolute, most profitable movie title in the history of geek-kind and how does it result in the end?
SPOILER ALERT: Batman and Superman fight for ALL of five minutes before reconciling.
SPOILER ALERT: Batman and Superman fight for ALL of five minutes before reconciling.
That's right; a two-and-a-half hour film called "BATMAN VS. SUPERMAN" contains ONE short action sequence between the two heroes and THEN THEY BECOME FRIENDS. Again, Batman and Superman fight for ALL OF FIVE MINUTES, AND THEN THEY BECOME FRIENDS. I can't. I have so many qualms with this part of the film. On the one hand I REALLY can't be selfish. We got Batman AND Superman on the same live action screen together alone; I should be thankful and Lord knows I am. But BOTTOM line: You don't CALL your movie Batman v. Superman and then NOT make their fight the absolute pinnacle of the film. Hell, it's the REASON we bought our tickets. And YES, while the buildup is the best part, the WHOLE thing feels like a complete copout by the time we reach the climax making the whole beautiful buildup feel more sour and sinister. It's just plain bad; it's worse than bad; it's inexcusable. The movie is literally bladder-challenging and by building up to a fight that simply lasts for five minutes before being resolved is absolutely unacceptable. I wanted a BLOODBATH and after having hope for the idiotic "R-rated cut" that will drop on Blu-Ray five months or so from now (thanks to Deadpool), I've officially lost all hope; Not because the new cut will in fact have more blood but because the filmmakers CLEARLY didn't have more Bat vs. Supe material to work with in order to make a WORTHWHILE fight (hence the mindless ending... More on that later).
And HERE's the dumbest part of it all. After a neat-o five minute fight sequence of Batfleck outsmarting Supes, having the upper hand, literally ABOUT to murder Supes with a stupid Kryptonite spear (Zack was missing 300 at this point I can see), Superman mentions his mother is in danger; his mother "Martha," which just so happens to be the same name as Bruce's mother who died at gunpoint during the opening credits of the film. Obviously when Wayne's father gasps his last dying breath, "Martha" after being shot, it should resonate with fans because "oh hey, Clark and Bruce BOTH have moms with the same name." There's no way they weren't gonna play into that later in the film and they did, and they use THIS particular moment when Affleck is about murder the man of steel with a damned Kryptonite-spear, that Bruce hears "Martha" and is so shook up he can't kill him simply because he relates to having a mother named Martha... Simply because he realizes Clark indeed has a mother and doesn't want to have that taken from him.
...So... JUST so we're clear, Bruce Wayne intends on MURDERING Superman based on the fact that the steel man is a terrorist in his eyes, responsible for killing THOUSANDS of people as he states earlier in the film. That's the ENTIRE motivation of Batman's character, okay? Yet... Bruce hears "Martha" and goes. "Oh sh*t. Clark has a mom, JUST like me so... I'm gonna not only spare his life, but f**k it, I'll join forces with him because I know the pain of losing a mom..."
Now I know what you're probably thinking, but I'm not ACTUALLY a heartless bastard. And I'm REALLY trying to not get cynical here. I HAVE sympathy for Martha; all the Martha's in the DC universe, ESPECIALLY Martha Kent... But Bat-vigilante who shows NO mercy; who BRANDS his victims (totally digging that dark aspect btdubs), SPARES Superman based on this notion alone, more than ANYTHING else... It's not that I don't agree with the sympathy; I simply just don't buy the change of heart. It's a little absurd if you ask me. But alas, this ISN'T the worst part of the movie... Moving on.
So of COURSE once Bat and Supes become butt-buddies, the film feels like it's nearing an end, no? Unfortunately not. Because Zack doesn't know when to quit. Instead of milking a fight the damned movie title alludes to; a fight, like I said, EVERYONE paid money to see, Snyder instead creates a NEW fight so he can once again use his budget to have alien creatures throw each other through building after building until much of the cities are nothing but rubble (but wait! The characters cry out. They're fighting on a completely uninhabited island with no victims so it doesn't MATTER how much destruction they cause this time because no civilians will die!). THAT's not the problem. The problem is that we didn't get the fight we wanted and by creating the nonsensical, mind-numbingly, insanely idiotic final battle Snyder comes up with, he ACTUALLY one-ups himself from Man of Steel's climactic ending by doing the unthinkable. He creates double the amount of wreckage at LEAST by unleashing f**king Doomsday, and if you thought the trailers made Doomsday out to look dumb, spoiler alert: it's a LOT dumber than you can predict going in.
The Bottom Line:
The Doomsday stuff almost ruins the entire movie.
Speaking about this next segment is actually going to make me angry. It's the one thing that literally completely sucked me out of the entire experience. I knew it was coming, I lowered my expectations and it STILL was about as invigorating as repeatedly bashing your head into a brick wall.
To call the Doomsday stuff bad is offensive to the word "bad."
First things first, let's give a round of applause to Snyder for giving the cave troll from Fellowship of the Ring his own spin-off.
First things first, let's give a round of applause to Snyder for giving the cave troll from Fellowship of the Ring his own spin-off.
Well done. Didn't know that creature had another storyline in him.
As for the story itself, I can only beg the question, "WHY?"
I UNDERSTAND the why; we need a REASON for Bat and Supes to join forces, we need a REASON for Wonder Woman to show off her hot, metal suit and Xena-princess warrior skills and we need yet ANOTHER reason to believe that what Batman and especially Superman are doing amidst all this chaos is for the good of mankind and they're good guys after all because Lord knows when big CGI monsters rampage the city ONCE AGAIN, who ya gonna call?
No, we need the Justice League (Cue Mortal Kombat action pose)!
I UNDERSTAND the why; we need a REASON for Bat and Supes to join forces, we need a REASON for Wonder Woman to show off her hot, metal suit and Xena-princess warrior skills and we need yet ANOTHER reason to believe that what Batman and especially Superman are doing amidst all this chaos is for the good of mankind and they're good guys after all because Lord knows when big CGI monsters rampage the city ONCE AGAIN, who ya gonna call?
Certainly not these ladies. ABSOLUTELY not.
No, we need the Justice League (Cue Mortal Kombat action pose)!
But for Krypton's sake, the Doomsday stuff is about as bad as comic book movies get; it's about as bad as the big smoke cloud villain in Green Lantern (it's about as bad as the Green Lantern film that you probably forgot about until just now). It's more infuriating than Ghost Rider or any Fantastic Four film; It's worse than any X-Men plot hole in even the worst X-Men movies and it's probably almost as bad as everything that make the Amazing Spider-Man 2 as terrible a film as it is, but the Doomsday stuff is honestly one of the more offensive story lines a comic book movie has ever tried to shoehorn in to their last segment of their film. In fact, it's so shoehorned in that the Doomsday stuff is about as on par as to what Spider-Man 3 did to Venom (I'm sorry to bring it up but the comparisons are just too similar). And that's what makes it so bad. Because we're not talking about some Joe-Blow goofy comic book villain. You're taking a literal, legendary villain; arguably the baddest of the bad, and you introduce them in an offensively laughable manner, just before you write them off after twenty minutes of crappy CGI battle. It's an ABSOLUTE monstrosity to both the character and the comic book lore and to not only have the balls to actually GO the Doomsday route, but to go about in SUCH a sh**ty manor, makes one lose respect for the plan to do a movie this big after all.
Because in the end (and here's the entire point in what I'm saying) the movie ISN'T bad. It isn't NEARLY the abomination the critics make it out to be even if the last half hour is an abomination enough to make you wish you didn't waste nearly three hours of life but honestly, for the naysayers, get over yourselves. There's enough saving graces here to keep the movie from being as bad as you want it to be. The movie's NOT bad. The problem is that Snyder just didn't know how to end his movie. He has no idea when to quit because he's tragically trying so hard to one-up the Marvel universe that he's too busy trying to make a movie better than it already is. The absolute, single-handedly most tragic part of Batman v. Superman is that there's not only a great movie buried in here somewhere, but save for the ending, the movie could have been on par with some of Marvel's greatest hits. For me at least, if Snyder were to take the climax of the film and devote the run time to the ACTUAL fight between Batman and Superman, the way the movie intended, we would have had a much, MUCH better movie in the end.
It's like that episode of Hey Arnold! where Harold gives Arnold 24 hours to live before he pummels him to death. Helga hosts the main event. Arnold shows up, does a crazy dance and Harold's all like "Hey you're crazy, wanna join our club?" And Helga's all like "What about the fight? I sold tickets!" and Harold's LITERALLY like... "Hmm," looks at the two kids standing next to him and is like "Hey, I know! YOU two fight," and two COMPLETELY different characters start fighting as the crowd cheers them on (I'm 97% positive that's exact dialogue btdubs) but THAT'S WHAT THE ENDING OF THIS MOVIE IS LIKE.
It's like that episode of Hey Arnold! where Harold gives Arnold 24 hours to live before he pummels him to death. Helga hosts the main event. Arnold shows up, does a crazy dance and Harold's all like "Hey you're crazy, wanna join our club?" And Helga's all like "What about the fight? I sold tickets!" and Harold's LITERALLY like... "Hmm," looks at the two kids standing next to him and is like "Hey, I know! YOU two fight," and two COMPLETELY different characters start fighting as the crowd cheers them on (I'm 97% positive that's exact dialogue btdubs) but THAT'S WHAT THE ENDING OF THIS MOVIE IS LIKE.
Disappoint the fans. Rake in the cash anyway.
Am I calling Snyder Helga in this case? Kinda. Because it's literally only the ending that makes me throw my hands up in so much aggravation. I was COMPLETELY sold up until that point that I could forgive the small nuances like the lack of Supes' character development (ironic being this is considered HIS movie) or Eisenberg's mentally challenged take on his character (it has potential to be an actually decent character) but no. The Doomsday stuff is the equivalent of watching a deranged artist paint a spontaneous work of art and then just when you can imagine how good the final result will look, the artist takes red paint cans and splashes the entire canvas, kicks you square in the nuts, steals your money and runs away cackling. THAT's what this movie feels like. It's like the ending of Lost; It's ALL buildup and when it's all finally said and done you can't help but feel like you deserved a much better end to your story. Believe me, I'm all in favor of "it's about the journey not the destination," but again, if they wanted to make a movie that's not exactly about Batman fighting Superman, they shouldn't have highlighted the movie as such.
Because in the end, there's really no reason to care about any of this. The film leaves such a sour taste in your mouth that it makes the flaws all the more hard to accept and all the comic book tropes all the more tiresome. I mean, how many times are we gonna see Bruce Wayne's parents die? How many times are we gonna see Superman die? (spoiler alert: the death-by-Krypton-island in Superman Returns was much more effective [and it's an absurd death.]) In the end, none of it matters. Superman's STILL an a**hole to the general public and is partially responsible yet AGAIN for nearly world-wide chaos and has ANOTHER giant memorial built for him after he "dies." Nothing the decisions the characters make matter except the headline "Batman and Superman stop giant alien creature!" The point is, after almost three hours of loud, excessive head to head comic book noise, we shouldn't be feeling this way. And like I've said, it's a shame because the first half the film is excellent. The rest is just a slow decent into madness.
This is Ben's ACTUAL face from yesterday when being told his movie is receiving terrible reviews. Good Lord everyone, LEAVE BEN ALONE.
The Bottom Line:
It's not a bad movie.
It's not Citizen Kane folks, and it certainly isn't The Dark Knight. But it's an occasion. Batman and Superman have debuted on screen together! It's a celebration, b**ch! ENJOY IT. TREAT yo'self. And stop being so damned ignorant and stop trying to pick apart the movie for being something it's not. At the end of the day, this is STILL a bunch of grown-ass-men in capes throwing punches at each other. Respect the fact that Snyder is a visual entrepreneur who's good at spreading action and terrible at telling story. Respect the Batfleck. Respect Cavill having potential to be a great Superman. Respect the mere attempt at portraying this dynamic duo on screen together. It's far from perfect, but it's a hell of a place to start...
But really. F**k Doomsday.
But really. F**k Doomsday.
So much Wonder.
