SIGNIFICANT STAR WARS: Episode I vs. Episode II

Here's why Phantom Menace is better than Attack of the Clones

(and why none of it actually matters)

That's right folks, with only mere days to go before the release of the newest Star Wars film, I'm going to do my best to attempt pointless meaningless articles that have plagued mankind my brain upon viewing these beloved (and to some gravely loathed) films that have stirred so much controversy.

  Because you see, the beautiful thing about an Empire of canon like Star Wars is that it arguably consists of the biggest fanboy-following of this generation, the last, the one before it and possibly of ALL TIME (okay MAYBE Star Trek and comic books as its own category may dethrone it, but let's not get hasty to point fingers here) and so, BECAUSE of that ginormous following, it doesn't matter what I blab about, no matter how big or small because it's still linked to that beloved franchise that began with one man's dream in 1977, in a galaxy far, far away...

So loyal to the fans

And what a better debate to start than the one people probably don't care about in the SLIGHTEST? A debate related to the prequels of course, and not JUST the prequels but the two WORST, most hated loathed films to be banished upon our grueling, helpless eyes who prayed for so, so much more (ohhhh, are you still upset about the prequels? Join the orchestra of the world's largest group of world's smallest violin players). POINT IS, it's all tied to this cult-like, legendary, unique fan base and I'm here to tackle whatever I can to help pick your brain (because in the end, we all need some form of entertainment to pick our brains dammit).

  So let me begin by pissing off just about every SW fan in existence by not only going against general criticism here but defending what is arguably one of the most disappointing films of all time. That's right kids. This guy truly, wholeheartedly believes that Episode I is the superior film to Episode II. 

And both films suffer for entirely different reasons.

Am I calling either film great? Absolutely not, but it's a topic I've been meaning to discuss for LITERAL years. Now let's get into hyperdrive already and call some spades space-spades already.

  Let's start with Epidode I. It was 1999. The world felt alive and in just a two hour span the world was instantly crushed as they watched a young Ewan McGregor Obi Wan fight against duck-droids over trade federations and (hooray!) politics! (Wow, so much like the real world today isn't it [if only Darth Trump was a thing]). As the minutes went by fans were in denial. "It's not that bad" they said, "The CGI's not that distracting" they said, "Jar-Jar Binks isn't the worst character this franchise has ever created" they said... Right? .... RIGHT?

  
And then the backlash happened. Society DEEMED Phantom Menace everything from a letdown to the classic "one of the worst movies they've ever seen." And people REFUSE to see the film as anything but what their brains have tried to not retain as all the years went by. Ask ANY fan who's seen all the Star Wars films; literally anyone, and they'll all tell you the same thing; that Phantom Menace is dysmal; "the WORST," and if they're a FAN, they'll get mad about it; LIVID. Most SW are SO bitter about Episode I in fact, that much of the time you can't even bring it up around them... Because they'll actually become angry (it's impressive really).

 But let me ask the naysayers something... Have you watched the film recently? Yeah? And it's STILL as bad as you remember?? Or are you just bitter because you've hated it for so long that nothing can sway your opinion otherwise as to PM being total Bantha Fodder...? No seriously, watch the film again and keep just the SMALLEST inclination of an open mind when you watch it and you JUST might not find me as crazy as you do right now.

  Yes, there's the bad; YES, there's the dreadful; yes, there he is, Jar-Jar Binks is STILL a thing but you know what? I'll be the one to say it, I'd rather take a whole film of Binks' childish animated antics over mere scenes of Hayden Christensen's cringeworthy acting (we'll get there in a moment). Yes, the CGI is shoddy but not NEARLY as distracting as the next chapter (again, will get there in a moment). YES, the film is absolutely plagued with impressively boring plots regarding politics and trade federations and puppet aliens that speak like Asians. YES the film is weird; CGI Gungan-frog creatures are way too shoehorned in, Natalie Portman feels a little out of place and feels a LOT older than her soon-to-be love interest of a whiny teenaged Darth Vader, and YES, the film misses the mark SO many times. Do we spend too much time on damned Tatooine? Absolutely. Did they kill off the prequels' two BEST characters in this one film alone? Unfortunately, and YES, they did it; I didn't think they could, but they invented Midi-f**king-chlorians and RUINED THE MYSTICAL, SPIRITUAL APPEAL OF THE ALL POWERFUL FORCE --

Oh, what's that? 

Only some people have the unique ability to use the Force? 

And they just... gave that unique ability a name? 

That's what we're so mad about it? 

Ah yes, where's my torch and pitchfork?

But for YODA'S SAKE folks, the film is entertaining in spots if only you just let it do its thing. I can't guarantee you'll enjoy it but I can ALMOST promise it's not as bad as you're making it out to be (and I'm being completely serious).

  First and foremost (and very importantly), Jar-Jar is NOT what makes the movie as bad as you think it is. Shut up. Just shut up already. It's a false statement. Is Jar-Jar a childish idiotic creation by Lucas solely to make children giggle at poop jokes? Yes. I'm cringing just writing it. He was invented purely for childish humor and though kid-friendly, these films have NEVER aimed for childish humor (even R2 and 3PO have standards). Is there WAY too much screen time for the Gungan tickle-me-Elmo of Naboo? Unfortunately, but he's also NOT the thing that "ruined all the Star Wars movies," because reality is, his presence isn't that lingering or NEARLY as annoying as people think. Honestly, it's like people got on the 'Death-to-Jar-Jar' bandwagon without really even WATCHING the actual movie, and they haven't shut up for the last decade and a half. He's bad (make no mistake) but it's literally ignorant and impossible for him to RUIN ALL OF STAR WARS. So again, just quiet, I don't wanna hear it.

  If we're being totally honest here, the worst presence next to Jar-Jar is Jake Lloyd as young-ass "Annie" Anakin Skywalker.

This bitch is just asking to be punched in the throat.

  On the one hand I get it, Lloyd was just a 10-ish-or-so kid and no one expected him to take in any award nominations, and no he's not half as bad as his ten-years-older counterpart in Clones, but if we're calling a spade a spade here... for being Dath f**king Vader, the kid is absolutely lifeless and even for a kid who can't act well, it's almost unacceptable. Unlike Binks, it's not even that the kid is hard to watch but more so that he's a drag to watch. Whether he's talking to Qui-gon, Watto or young-ass Natalie Portman (though she doesn't come off nearly as young as he does which makes the whole "they're gonna get married one day" thing a whole lot weirder), he's got this stubborn "oh I'm an angsty child who wants more in life" attitude and it's not just bland but it's boring to watch. Like I said, I can't rag on him too much, he is only a kid, but he still sucks.

  Clearing out some of the negativity here, I'm actually going to attempt to dive into the positives.

  First, for being such an outlandishly DIFFERENT universe, the prequels actually set up some really cool characters and features. The Gungans are a little annoying and the CGI is, like I've hinted, a problem, but you'd be in denial to not find the underwater Gungan city sequence cool as hell when you first saw it. The set pieces and ships are actually one of the few really cool parts of the film even though they're plagued with an absurd amount of special effects. The yellow Naboo starfighter is pretty nifty and maybe I'm the only person outside of Tatooine that finds Pod racing to be absolutely outSTANDING.

  I only need to break off for a moment here because it's literally boggled my mind for YEARS as to why people hate the pod racing bit. YES, I get that it's a totally useless, ultimately pointless, plotless waste of time that propels nothing forward except Anakin's freedom but holy sh*t, what an AWESOME waste of time it is. It's one of the few times the CGI can get away with what it does because it's focusing on vehicles moving at near lightning speed through the desert and it's not as easy to pick up on the computer generated flaws. The special effects are outstanding; the lack of soundtrack keeps a focus on the sound mix for these unique ships and their detailed engines, and the intensity is super high from beginning to finish even though everyone could have told you that amidst all the racers' ships exploding left and right; the competition only coming down to Skywalker and Sebulba, everyone KNEW Anakin would have won the race before even seeing the film (why ELSE would Geroge include such a pointless scene?). Though my opinion's definitely a little biased as I also own the Pod-Racing game for Nintendo 64 (we're getting off track here).

  But lesbihonest for two seconds here, outside of the special affects or ships or any of that compact garbage, the two BEST things to come out of Phantom Menace are Qui-gon Jinn and Darth Maul, EASILY. Liam Neeson's acting ability alone CRUSHES anyone who even ATTEMPTS acting here. Within MINUTES  the audience is I am fully persuaded by his calm, collected manner; convinced of his mix of aggressive fighting skill and patient meditation; within just the first scene alone, before he was Mr. Taken, Liam Neeson did what Alec Guiness did for our parents in 1977; he made us believe that he was truly a Jedi Master.

CHANGE MY MIND

  Darth Maul on the other hand is a different story. I totally understand why the character gets the flac he does for being billed as the film's big-bad and ends up getting some of the least amount of screen time when he arguably should have had some of the most. But I CALL SHENANIGANS, DAMMIT. While I do agree he should have become more important and ultimately done more (and f**k the Clone Wars canon. This bitch did not come back to life. He was chopped in half and died horribly and honorably. Don't ruin that for me), part of what keeps Maul so mysterious for me is that the character is endlessly shrouded in... well, mystery. We know nothing about him; we don't know where he came from; not his origins or what species he even is (again, going strictly by the film's canon). The dude has literally two lines of dialogue and we don't even know his real agenda. He's literally just this dark force that moves in and out of this seemingly positive (though much troubled) galaxy of boring ass politics, and the character kicks ASS. God-Degobah, for all of the lack of screen time Maul gets he REALLY makes up for lost time in his final sequence (will get there in a moment).

  AND YET... The most TRAGIC part of these two characters is that [SPOILER ALERT, BUT NOT REALLY BECAUSE IT'S LITERALLY BEEN SIXTEEN YEARS] Qui-Gon and Maul both  DIE and even though they both go all out and die in heroic battle, once George made the decision to off them, he also made the decision to off any chance at characters this cool again for TWO whole movies. He literally destroyed MAJOR potential with their deaths, although I do understand why he offed them and had to pass on the torch yodayodayoda, but whatever, they were the BEST characters of the film and I'll fight everyone on that.

  And WHILE we're on the subject, allow me to highlight what is arguably the only legitimate saving grace of the film. You could be shaking your head all you want at my words; call me crazy and say that I'm flat-out wrong; that's absolutely fine. But no one reading this can deny that beyond a shadow of a doubt, the best part of the entire movie is the final lightsaber duel.

TOP TIER

  Let's take the sass out of our sarlacc pits and not complain about the double-sided dual-lightsaber for ONE second and be happy that we got a two-on-one lightsaber battle between two Jedi and a badass Sithlord who happens to be, OH LOOK, a f***ing BOW-STAFF artist (props to Toad from X-Men for being an actual bow-staff artist in real life and proved with this role he's a pretty damn good one). I'm gonna ignore the ongoing CGI battle sequences where Gungans are destroying duck-droids with big balls of electric jelly in front of a green screen and I'm gonna ignore the fact that little "adorable Annie" takes down the whole damn army by "accidentally" blowing up the bad guys' headquarters (I wonder what's THIS button do, OOPS. LOOKS LIKE THE GOOD GUYS WIN [get tf outta here]). Instead, I'm gonna praise the fact that we got three trained HUMAN actors and no CGI counterparts to duel in an ongoing AWESOME lightsaber battle and I'll even go as far to say that it's the best lightsaber battle in all six episodes (that's right kids, I said it); it's better than the CGI-ridden or faked battles in Episodes II or III with use of overblown SFX; better than that old man sick fight in Episode IV, and better than the much-more-necessary and much-more-intense (but still-not-as-good) duels between Luke and Vader in Episodes V or VI. That's right I said it, Phantom Menace has the BEST lightsaber battle of them all. 

  Between one of the best pieces of music John Williams has ever written (and easily the best track of the entire prequel trilogy), to the outstanding choreography; the swings, jumps, falls, lands and swashbuckling jabs, to the deaths of the major characters (and like I said, Maul getting sawed in half), it quite literally ends up being a duel of the fates.

  And so Episode I comes to a disappointing close. You've seen my points as to how I know it's incredibly flawed even though I find things to enjoy, but let's move on to Episode II and REALLY tackle why we're here in the first place. 

****************************

  Now I understand that no one is under ANY circumstances calling Attack of the Clones a great film; most people won't even deem it a decent film, but for people to ACTUALLY think it's more tolerable than Phantom Menace is absolutely asinine to me. Let me explain.

God help us all.

  Perhaps it would be best to elaborate on the film's qualities in reverse order; unlike describing the bad and then the good as I did with PM, I should describe what's good before the inevitable bad with Attack of the Clones. Either way, there are things that are already known and have been stated but once again must be addressed.

  First things first, we trade in Jar-Jar for a wooden Hayden Christensen. Literally. There's a tiny reunion in the beginning of the film where everyone's together and everyone cringes that the now political official, Jar W. Binks, has appeared but then he's immediately gone (he shows up for one important scene later where he's solely responsible for giving Palpatine a higher seat of power and therefore solely responsible for the entire rise of the Sithlord Empire, but that's an entirely different discussion) and then we get stuck with Hayden Christensen... As our protagonist... The ENTIRE film... I need to stay on the good; I said I would stay on the good; let me continue with the good... So ALL IT TO SAY IS... George very clearly axed Jar-Jar from nearly the entire film showing that he listened to the fans' complaints. This is a positive; no more childish fart jokes. Awesome. But instead we get George's idea of "romance" and blossoming, young love (trying to stay positive here). BUT ANYWAY...

  The movie sorta jumps right into the action before it slams on the brakes and slows down. And I'd be a liar if I were to say I didn't find the action sequences to be astounding. For one, there's this entire Blade-Runner-looking chase sequence via on foot, speeders, flying droids and all centered around this bounty hunter (hooray a movie featuring bounty hunters [kinda]) and we're immediately shotgunned into an even newer and larger universe than the one George introduced in Episode I. While I do appreciate the swift action sequences and sometimes neato (sometimes dreadful) use of CGI, it's here in this opening chase sequence that you realize just how DIFFERENT this whole universe feels. I get that George always dreamed of using computer generated effects to create a world he couldn't back in the 70s but now that he has full access, it's literally like watching a little kid sneak into a box of endless markers and drawing all over the walls. One of Clones' most unique aspects in technical achievements is also one of the biggest flaws of the film; the CGI is shoddy and all over the place (again, remaining positive). But nevertheless the effects are cool in some places.

ACTING

  One of the best aspects of act two is that George has finally hinted at taking his dark side a little darker. Granted the idea of the prequels was to have each film be darker than the last (until the Sith literally take over and the protagonists become the literal villains of the story [hooray darkness and piss-poor acting]) but Clones is where the darkness first shows, from little Annie's turn at slaughtering the village of Tuskan Raiders to him crying to Natalie Portman about it like a school boy bitch, but also the tone and mood of the film is just darker; even the scenes with Ewan McGregor tracking papa Fett feel tense and ominous; the entire clones story line alone, as weird as it is, actually kinda works because it's... Well, weird. Part of what makes Clones work at all as a film is that it only VERY so slightly, embraces the B movie that lies within the bones of every Star Wars film and certainly comes with a B movie title as campy as "Attack of the Clones" and when it DOES get weird and dark whether it consist of clone storylines or gladiator-style battles against creatures straight out of a PS2 game, the movie works on its own terms.

McGregor vs. Groundbreaking SFX

  And let's go back to McGregor for one sec. Yes, he tries a little too much to be like Alec Guiness at times but when he comes into his own, he wears the role pretty well and he's literally one of the few very saving graces regarding the film. Any time we follow Obiwan's storyline, no matter how slow-moving or seemingly pointless, it's infinitely more interesting because it's not only NOT Hayden Christensen pretending to fall in love, but it's just a more interesting story. The fight in the rain against Jengo Fett is bar none one of the more enjoyable parts of the movie, as so much of it drags builds... (positive). At the end of the day, McGregor at least TRIES and as far as Clones goes, he's trying more than almost all the other actors in the film and while SW has never been a showcase of actors, it helps when you don't feel like you're watching a paper bag holding a lightsaber.

  Any who, as I stated earlier, the action is CGI-ridden and far more distracting than PM, but it's also a LOT more exciting to watch this time around. Save for the big fight at the end of Episode I (that I clearly can't rave about enough), almost every action sequence of Clones is better than any in Menace. Perhaps it's because the movie is so slow-moving in SO many parts that George wanted to give us a climax to remember, but the last 40 minutes of the film make up for any of the near two hours including any of the dreadful scenes leading up to it. We finally get to see a full fleet of Jedi in full force  (pun intended) and it really is mesmerizing. Samuel L. Jackson finally proves he's not just a presence who's lurking around hinting at being a badass and ends up just BEING a badass and fans finally get to see what they've wanted to see their entire lives: Yoda fighting with a lightsaber. The scene is flawed but I won't forget the applause that erupted the theater when that lightsaber flew into his little hand for the very first time. What can I say? Like any of the prequels, when it works it works; when it DOESN'T, however... Yeesh.

  And let's dive into what boils my blood with this topic; the stuff that REALLY grinds my gears...

"I've heard you don't like sand... 

I... ALSO... don't like sand..."

  As I stated earlier I would rather take a full movie of Jar-Jar over just mere scenes of Hayden Christensen's acting. 

"I'M UPSET!!!!!!!"

Now I'm aggressively forgiving when it comes to actors, ESPECIALLY when it comes to Star Wars. I'll be the one to say that Mark Hamill's REALLY not that good (he's fine for giving eccentric personality to the Joker for 90s Batman cartoons) but like I've stated, no one watches Star Wars for the acting. But EVEN by Star Wars standards, Christensen sucks. And it's not even the fact that he sucks, it's the fact that THIS is our protagonist of the story. For TWO full movies. And it's not EVEN the fact that he's our protagonist. We're talking about damned Darth Vader here folks; one of the most iconic villains in cinematic history. And that's fine if you wanna write him as a whiny, overly emotional man-child George, it's your story... But as nagging as the character is written, Christensen's acting just makes the character worse. And I totally get he's supposed to be an angsty youth; not quite developed or fully mature; still needing a little kick in the dark side, but the dude just can't cry his way out of a paper bag.

  But now that I've opened Pandora's box and mentioned Lucas' writing choices, let's just call it and agree that Lucas should never be allowed to attempt romance ever again. Granted he may never do another film but holy shit, the dialogue between Anakin and Natalie Portman is absolutely horrendous. 

 WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F**K IS HAPPENING TO THIS FRANCHISE RIGHT NOW

 And when the two aren't conversing about sand and Natalie Portman being beautiful (which she is but come on), George does something worse and he attempts to write romance, not with dialogue, but with "beautiful" CGI scenes of lush, fake-green grass and meadows of computer-engineered flowers; big rhino characters that look like boars from Crash Bandicoot, while our characters frolic and giggle; QUALITY CGI pears that float across dining tables as Natalie Portman nabs her Oscar for giggling at baby face Vader.

  And honestly, no matter how awesome the climax of the film is, these scenes of "romance," though crucial to the characters' storylines, are hard to sit through. And though I am forgiving of CGI, the effects as I've stated are much more distracting here than in Menace.

This is the stuff of nightmares.

  One very big distinction between these first two episodes is that fact that Phantom Menace was shot on film and a decent portion of it consisted of real sets with (sometimes) very real actors, while Clones is almost covered corner to corner with computer generated set pieces, shot 100% digitally, and produces an exorbitant amount of CGI characters and locations. The mere look of Clones is instantly different and it shows. One of the biggest givaways of the early 2000s CGI makeover is the new and improved Yoda the film presents. And it's been a debate for a long time now. Yes, I guess I would take the CGI Yoda that more resembles the original design than that cross-eyed puppet originally used in Menace (though I'm not about to start debating puppets because I get very defensive of them), but making Yoda CGI also allows the character to do things that 1980s puppet Yoda couldn't. And I completely understand the decision based on what the character ends up performing (lightsaber tricks) but it also covers up the fact that computers are taking place for any legitimate human-on-human action. And I get it; I understand that you couldn't pull off the climax of Clones without the use of computers but it's a bit of a double edged sword for me as I can't actually imagine what the Yoda fight would have looked like had he not been bouncing around like a green gummy bear. Oh well. The CGI gave us things that we've wanted to see all along and for what it accomplishes, it's not bad.

  And ultimately that's my point. None of it is truly BAD (not as bad as you're making out to be). I get that some of us (this guy, clearly) feel somewhat obligated to find positive things to see about the prequels, simply because it's Star Wars and we love the franchise too much to see all of its flaws. My point today is that there ARE flaws; undeniable flaws. And while even the originals are plagued with flaws (mostly continuity errors), people never complain about them because the films are just that GOOD; they leave a lasting impression that makes you forget that NONE of these films are perfect. But they're FUN and that's an element that's almost nonexistent in the entire prequel universe. There are small snippets of fun (very small) but this word-vomit isn't to defend the prequels it's to show that in my humble opinion, one film is clearly stronger than the other.

 

 And while we're on the topic, as I come to a close, let me elaborate on the fact that the prequels, all three of them, work best when they are capsulated in any sense of that "fun" element that fuel the life of the original trilogy and honestly kids, watch them again; Stop being an ign'int-ass nerf herder for TWO seconds; remove the hatred-blinders that everyone seems to be wearing; let go of the fact that these just aren't the originals nor will they ever live up to them and open your eyes for just a moment. Yes, we can agree that Episode III is the only legitimately tolerable film of the prequels for its sole accomplishments at even coming CLOSE to "getting it right" as far as playing by Star Wars rules go, but examining Episodes I & II alone; as far as being FUN, in ANY sense of the originals? Phantom Menace wins that battle whether you like the movie or not.

Nothing will top the double-sided lightsaber

  Gungan city; Pod racing; that LAST LIGHTSABER BATTLE; and MAYBE... Just maybe... I'm riding that last train a little too hard, but ALL OF THAT vs. Hayden Christensen... CGI pears... Poor attempts at romantic dialogue... CGI tiger-things...... Hayden Christensen... if there's a reason that Episode I is more tolerable than Episode II, it's because it's the only one that resembles the original's spirit of being any kind of fun. And before you get all Force-choke-hold on me, no I'm not saying Jar-Jar or little "Annie Skywalker" are FUN by any means, but for the events they play in, it's still the more entertaining movie... 

  Even if it's not a very good movie, Star Wars - Episode I: The Phantom Menace is STILL the better of the first two episodes of this ridiculous saga that we're wasting our lives and precious words on.

*mic has been dropped*

That is all...

KNIBB HIGH FOOTBALL RULES!!!