Top 20 of 2013

Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up.
Irrelevant Batman quote: Check!

Now why do we watch movies? So we can write senseless notes filled with countless, endless words ranking said movies to fuel our fanboy flame for films.
Introductory statement ending with alliteration: Check! 

But seriously, citizens such as myself and other friends (Please be on the lookout for Mike Natale's list) have what most people would call "an unhealthy obsession"with movies and with The Oscars literally right around the corner, what better time is there to rank movies based on your own personal interest that mean absolutely nothing to the majority of most common folk, than now?
  Save for the casual movie addicts such as myself who dare to make bold outcries such as: "Frozen is the BEST animated movie I've seen in years!" "American Hustle is ridiculously overrated!" or "I saw Jonah Hill's penis when I watched The Wolf of Wall Street and now I've lost several years of my life," MOST people don't seem to care about films in the obsessive calibration that us majors do.

You can call it unhealthy... It is a problem. It does require a 12 step program that's as challenging as sitting through 12 years a slave without being moved.

All that to say is... It's a time of art; a time of judging; a time of goods and bads and everything on the grey street in between; it's a time for smiles; a time for frowns; a time for unnecessarily amplified agreeing to disagree; it's a time where we're allowed to sit on our ass and for just one small second in the world, we filmgoers can feel like Roger Ebert... Even if just for one day.

It's a celebration bitch!


Now who's the master, the painter or the forger? There's only a few things in this world that I really care about. And I get it. It's nice up here. You can just shut down all the systems, turn out all the lights, and just close your eyes and tune out everyone. There's nobody up here that can hurt you. It's safe. 
But please don't shoot me into outer space. People are dyin'. And some people are worth melting for. If you ride like lightning, you're gonna crash like thunder. And Let me tell you something. There's no nobility in poverty. I've been a poor man, and I've been a rich man. And I choose rich! EVERY F**KING TIME!!! Because we are the human the race! And we don't like being told what to do. We want to be free! We want to be free to do what we want to do. And we want to get loaded! And we want to have a good time. 
And that's what we're gonna do.


Movies I tragically missed out on:
I just really wanted to see them.

5) Drinking Buddies
4) The Kings of Summer
3) The Way Way Back
2) Mud
1) Fruitvale Station


Movies I not-so-tragically missed out on:
Well reviewed all around... but I just really didn't want to see them.

5) The Butler... Sorry, Lee Daniels' The Butler!
4) Blue Jasmine
3) Before Midnight
2) The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
1) Blue Is The Warmest Color



Don't shoot me, naysayers, we're only just getting started....

And now! The movies I've seen! 
(Are you impressed by how much effort I put into these notes yet?)



Bottom 5 of 2013:
They don't make 'um worse.

5) The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
4) Machete Kills
3) After Earth
2) R.I.P.D.
1) A Good Day to Die Hard


Most Underrated of 2013:
AKA 4 P's and an E (These movies were just plain awesome).

5) Evil Dead
4) Pain and Gain
3) Pacific Rim
2) Prisoners
1) Place Beyond the Pines


Most "They weren't as bad as people said" of 2013:
They weren't award-worthy but they certainly don't fall in the ignorant, annual "the worst movie I've ever seen" bin (grow up folks).

5) Only God Forgives
4) The Wolverine
3) Elysium
2) Carrie
1) Man of Steel


Best Underdogs:
These movies might have been well received but in the end got no love.

5) Saving Mr. Banks
4) August: Osage County
3) Much Ado About Nothing
2) Warm Bodies
1) Blackfish


Most Overrated of 2013:
Don't shoot the messenger; there's something worthwhile in all of these arguably phenomenal films
...but they're certainly not as good as people make them out to be.

5) Gravity
4) Philomena
3) The Great Gatsby
2) Her
1) Frozen

Honorable Mention:
They just missed the cut.

5) Iron Man 3
4) Thor: The Dark World
3) Anchorman 2
2) Blackfish
1) Nebraska

And now... The moment you've all been waiting for...



Top 20 of 2013


20) 12 Years A Slave

Think of it as my number one pick for the year... Just the most heart breaking, depressing, powerfully moving number one pick. Seriously though, this is easily my most mis-ranked film because it just broke my heart. Chiwetel Ejiofor could take home Best Actor for this and I would proudly support it. I'm already pulling for Fassbender to win Best Supporting Male and Lupita Nyong'o for Best Supporting Female so needless to say the cast is flawless. McQueen's adaptation of this harrowing script based on an amazing true story novelization is flawless. The cinematography and Hans Zimmer's score are flawless. The film is near flawless and I'm confident it's going to take home Best Picture. It's just that good. It's also that moving and that heartbreaking. It's not just one of the most disturbing films of the year but it was the most I felt in a film this year.

19) Gravity

I can't deny Alfonso Cuaron's sheer talent here. I've deemed it as Cast Away in space and that's what it is. Sandra Bullock is the best she's ever been but she's still Sandra Bullock. As my mother puts, I can't watch her without expecting her to breakout her familiar rom-com-isms as seen in The Proposal (I'm paraphrasing here). But the technical work is groundbreaking. This is the kind of film that 3D was made for and it's worth paying however much just to see the visuals alone. I've never seen a more realistic depiction of space and it's truly horrifying. This is in many ways a horror movie and it's done at an expert level. It's 100% going to take home Best Cinematography and even though it's not actually cinematography, it's still jaw-droppingly fantastic even though I don't think it's Best Picture-worthy.

18) Bad Grandpa

Kudos to Johnny Knoville and newcomer Jackson Niccol for making a Jackass movie that has a plot that isn't only laugh-out-loud hilarious but is also somewhat heartfelt. It's guaranteed to have more replay value than previous Jackass entries because it's a little more than just sketches. It has a paper-thin plot but it still might tug on one's heartstrings. The 86 year-old makeup shockingly nabbed Knoxville an Oscar nom so there's that... Oh, and Spike Jonze plays an old lady's corpse.

17) Monsters University

The actual best animated film of 2013 (and it's not even nominated). With a revisit to Pixar's scare floor, it not only plays out like an Animal House-esque frat comedy for kids and adults alike, making it Pixar's funniest film to date, it's also a great moral on playing to your strengths and being who you were meant to be, whether you're scary or smart, tough or witty, big or little. It's inspiring and absolutely hilarious. The sheer talent involved is remarkable and it's the best Pixar movie since Toy Story 3.

16) Man of Steel

A flawed but misunderstood film nonetheless. It's not perfect but with Supes being my favorite superhero I can't help but find love amongst the fan-favored critical acclaim (yes, I even found good qualities in Superman Returns but I've always been part of the minority). The reality is, no one's been able to truly nail a live-action Superman movie since the days of Christopher Reeves, but hell, those films are incredibly dated and time has not been kind to them so needless to say, seeing Snyder deliver Superman actually kick some super ass was visually breathtaking even if the script was hammed up. The best description I can give in one sentence is that it plays out like a really strong, long pilot episode of Superman that paves the way for a hopeful future where we can look to the sky for the story to develop... Here's hoping Batman vs. Superman can deliver. Until then, I'm satisfied with this kick-ass kickoff.

15) The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug

Do they compare to LOTR? Hell no but that was never the question. To see Peter Jackson go back to his Tolkein roots to deliver this three-part epic is more than satisfying for any fan from the shire and needless to say, where Unexpected Journey took a long time to get these hairy feet off the bare ground, Desolation of Smaug goes above and beyond all expectations to deliver a truly superior sequel. Not to mention, the last hour reuniting Sherlock's Martin Freeman and Benedict Cumberpatch for the Bilbo vs. Smaug chemistry is worth the price of admission alone. And with a painful "I've made a huge mistake" cliffhanger of an ending, one can only get giddy with excitement at the final conclusion later this winter.

14) Captain Phillips

Action! Supsense! Tom Hanks! Somali pirates! Poor Boston accents! Paul Greengrass' lack of a tripod! WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE? Seriously folks, Phillips is one of the most intensely well crafted thrillers of the year and there's a reason it's nominated for Best Pic even though it will win over its audiences as much as Tom Hanks can win over his Boston accent. It's not flawless but it's furiously engaging.

13) Pain and Gain

With this crime caper of a black comedy featuring thick headed meatheads turned criminals, one can't help but be impressed by this masquerade of the American dream... At least I was impressed. Bay trades his explosions and robots for actual character development and comedy that hasn't been this satisfying since Bad Boys 2. It's far from perfect but it's a treat for weight lifers, criminals, moviegoers and anyone who wants pure, adrenaline-filled entertainment. It's not a stretch and doesn't amount to anything noteworthy, but it's possibly Michael Bay's best film movie.

12) Evil Dead

One of the most well crafted horror films in recent memory, the Evil Dead remake not only pays phenomenal homage to Sam Rami''s cult classic but it dishes out some of the most purely horrific terror, not to mention it's one of the bloodiest gore-fests I've ever seen. It's queasy, creepy and bloody disgusting (and all in good taste!). What's truly satisfying is that it doesn't try to take away from the original nor mimic its plot structure, rather than use the original as guidelines to create a superbly original piece of craft that ends up existing in the same universe. It's not as slapstick or as campy but its craft alone puts it on the same pedestal as the 1981 classic and that's really saying something.

11) Pacific Rim

The straight up best, senseless, robots vs. monsters movie in recent memory. With one movie, visual entrepreneur Guillermo Del Toro takes everything Transformers should have been in three movies, and dishes out badass robot-monster destructive violence that's visually pleasing and nonsensical enough to be tongue-in-cheek proving that it doesn't need to take itself seriously in order to be satisfying. It's a damn shame that it's not nominated for one award, especially the visuals. It's amazing and if you love your entertainment at high value, Pacific Rim knows how to kick your ass straight back to Tokyo and until the Godzilla remake, this is the monster movie to end monster movies of the new millenium.

10) Inside Llewyn Davis

The Coen Bros. strike gold once again. Not only is Llewyn Davis another fine chapter in the brother's genre-ridden book of dark comedy but it's also one of their most unique films in the sense that we not only focus on fine cinema (and the cinema is nothing short of fantastic) but quality music. The characters are perfectly depressing yet inspiring in the way most Coen characters have been in past, the direction of this tragically hopeful script is superb and the cinematography is awe-inspiring, yet the film is not nominated for one award. It's a damn shame given at least the original music is not only a new feat for these fine filmmakers but it capitalizes the film as a true work of art making it legitimately one of the best films of the year.

9) Dallas Buyers Club

HIV. Matthew McConaughey. Jared Leto. Everything on paper screams Oscar-worthy and then you realize it's actually worthy of, and will probably take home, many awards on Sunday (Leto and McConaughey are slated to take home the acting roles), DBC is one of the most heartfelt, inspiring, moving pictures of 2013 that will allow the film to go down in history as a stamp on not just tragically but truly inspiring true-inspired events but on cinema's history of quality pictures in superb fashion; a true showcase of acting amongst a strong script with solid direction. It's not guaranteed to win Best Pic but it's a damn good place to start.

8) The World's End

The epic conclusion to Edgar Wright's Cornetto blood-and-ice cream-trilogy serves as not only a nostalgic sendoff to Simon Pegg, Nick Frost and friends but it's a neat little homage to sci-fi thrillers in vain of Invasion of the Body Snatchers and it's done so in good taste with a true dose of inebriated hell-bent comedy. It may not be as satisfying as Shaun or Fuzz but it's worthwhile of an ending; a true trilogy closer and moral on life and getting older. Save for the fact that it's a perfect Doctor Who parody, it's further proof that Edgar Wright is not just a brilliant director for comedy but one of the most giftedly stylized filmmakers in terms of suspense with a perfect three-act structure and proves for a third time that his team is worthy of an Oscar for editing (how they never even get nominated is beyond me). It's worth getting drunk and celebrating fine film to and will age as well as its predecessors.

7) Star Trek Into Darkness

Not just a fine followup to the breakout reboot of the beloved 50-year old sci-fi franchise, but a phenomenal film in general. By paying superb yet controversial homage to Wrath of Kahn, Into Darkness takes this newly lit franchise to bold heights where no man has gone before making this super-sized sequel worthy of being bigger, darker and upping the stakes with Benedict Cumberpatch Jokering the movie with one of the best on-screen villains in quite some time. Whenever the man is on screen, the film electrifies with chilling, spellbinding acting making this far more than just another satisfying space adventure. And I personally don't wanna wait the five-year mission to see more from JJ Abrams and friends. May this sequel shine beyond all the hate and may it live long and prosper.

6) Prisoners

One of two of the films of 2013 that took me by totally surprise and hot DAMN where did Prisoners come from and WHY is not receiving more love? With a dark, gritty vengeful story with dark, gritty shaky cinematography, we see not only a dark and gritty thriller but a dark and gritty performance from Hugh Jackman proving he's much, much more than just Wolverine (though don't get me wrong, he portrays Wolverine flawlessly). Prisoners NAILS everything that makes for quality cinema from the superbly twisted script brought to life with such lively direction and pulse pounding astute performances all around (not to mention the tragically overlooked as always Paul Dano), the film is not just one of the best thrillers but truly one of the best pictures of the year. Where was the academy on this one?

5) The Place Beyond the Pines

Two of two films of 2013 (that start with a P) to take me by total surprise, Pines does succumb to the literal three-act structure of screenwriting down to the three-story arc that brings this story full circle but you can't deny the sheer talent involved from the elongated but precise direction of performances notable all around, most notably a still growing yet phenomenal Bradley Cooper to a mind-numbingly awesome Ryan Gosling proving the man's acting chops to be so worthwhile, Pines kills it in every department. Granted, it inevitably succumbs to potentially predictable outcomes, the story is just too damn good to pass up. Even when you can plot the next move, you can't help but be swept up by its engaging personality. Everything from the unique choices of cinematography, the phenomenal acting as stated to the brilliant direction guiding us over years worth of story and astute attention for nearly two and a half hours, it feels like a lifetime yet breezes by with each minute more tense than the last leaving audiences lingering at its ambiguous sins-of-the-father-style ending allowing the film's brilliance to stew with us long after the credits roll. Again, where were you on this one Oscar?

4) American Hustle

Cliche at best, overrated at worst, there's truly not enough words to describe the awesomeness that is American Hustle. David O. Russell proves once again that he's not only maturing but really settling in his career with what might be his most quality picture yet. It might not be as immediately satisfying as The Fighter or Silver Linings Playbook but with his continuation of very real characters in a very realistic universe, this time caught in a dynamic of conning, crimes and sheer-shit-fooled Sheiks, Russell continues to prove he's one of the most notable directors working in Hollywood today. With engaging and ever changing cinematography with flawless direction of his magnificent actors (reuniting his all-nominated ensemble cast from his last two pictures), Hustle not only proves to be one of the truly best pictures of the year, but one of the most satisfying crime-cop thrillers in years and years past, putting a legitimate stamp on damn fine filmmaking. American Hustle is an American landmark on cinema. It may not resonate with audiences in such radiance the way Playbook did last year but I'll be damned if Hustle doesn't prove that Russell not only pays homage to gifted directors like Scorsese but does so while making a uniquely original picture with such astounding quality, it's hard to deny the sheer talent amongst all the talk of what isn't rather than what is, and this is truly one of the best films of the year.

3) The Conjuring

Not just one of the best horror films of 2013 and not just one of the best horror films in YEARS, The Conjuring is also one of the most flat-out satisfying films of the year and in recent memory, period. What works about James Wan's latest masterpiece is that he brings absolutely nothing new to the genre rather than perfect what's already been perfected. With an old school technical approach to ghost stories, Wan pumps out a literal throwback to 70's style spooky flicks in vain of gothic demon-pictures such as The Exorcist or Rosemary's Baby and he does it with so much precise care and dedication it's hard to not notice the talent involved. Granted, people have deemed it one of the scariest films of all time, it's not that the film is so scary that makes it notable, it's that it's so scary-good. It's made with such craft that proves that horror is not as dead as its undead demons yet the genre shows that there's so much life to life beyond death that will haunt us for ages to come. And being not only based on a true story but with more stories to come from Ed and Lorraine Warren (a sequel is already in the works), James Wan has proved he can leave a legacy so astounding that he can give a picture so disturbing this much replay value. The academy has never been kind to horror, but hot damn The Conjuring is just so horrifically good it's too much to pass up.

2) This Is The End

What can I say? I've hyped up This Is The End so much in the last year, there's a reason it plays out as much more than a typical raunchy Appatowian comedy in my eyes. It uses the meta-personality of actors playing themselves to pin point not just the reality of actors (and real-life people in the end of days) but the charisma of Hollywood and all of its cliches to lampoon life beyond actors and their pretentious false notions in order to represent who they really are, not just to showcase their real-life flaws but who they are as people that may or may not be worthy of being granted a free-pass into heaven (or the beyond) whether they're as seemingly good-natured as Seth Rogen and Craig Robinson or as evil and manipulative as Jonah Hill and Danny McBride. It's self awareness is what keeps it funny and its religious parody keep it good natured enough to make one believe they may be worthy enough to laugh alongside Judd Appatow's gang all the way to the pearly gates because you better believe it, This Is The End is not just the flat-out funniest film of the year, it's also one of the most self-aware and somewhat heartfelt.

1) The Wolf of Wall Street

What can one say about not just the debauchery Jordan Belfort ensues in years worth of a three-hour running time but the charisma Leonardo DiCaprio appears to effortlessly deliver time and time again? There's really nothing to say about The Wolf and yet there's millions of things to say about it. Martin Scorsese, a man of pure craft and talent delivers his most out of control, zany picture yet that's been unhinged; let fully loose from its cages (and that's saying a lot given the man is 71 years old). Wolf not only delivers the age-old moral on greed and what it does to mortal men but it shows just how bonkers and balls to the wall life can be when you literally have more money than you can spend. It tears up Belfort's charisma just as quickly as it tears down his dignity, and does so in mere seconds. From DiCaprio's physical manifestation of a money-ridden maniac (in what is essentially one of his most wild and eccentric performances to date) to the phenomenally douchey, pristine Jonah Hill busting out fake pearly whites to deliver an homage to the scumbags of not just Wall Street but to greed and debauchery, Scorsese literally goes all out delivering his most insane film yet. There is no remorse or redemption for Belfort and his wolves and Marty proves once again that he is one of the finest filmmakers of all time to deliver madness on a scale such as this. And he does so with purpose. He has created a film for all; young and old, rich and poor, rambunctiously awful and curiously good natured. There is something to take away from something so physically presented in dreck and distaste yet we can't deny the sheer talent of a man who presents a man in a world driven by money. And with such astute direction, Marty makes three hours fly by at a pulse-pounding rate in a black comedy that roars with laughter at such high speed and debauchery so alarmingly intense, it just might make a nun interested in doing blow. It's a film that packs so much in, it's impossible to take it all in in one sitting. It's madness. It's miraculous. It's Martin Scorsese. And it's my favorite film of the year. Bravo DiCaprio. Bravo Marty. This is the finest film of filth I've ever witnessed.

And so, until 2014--well... 2015 really is when I will be seeing you all again in bulk like this...

May the Lord be with you all.